Sirius Black's Guide For Losers In Love
by messrmo0ny
Summary: Sirius Black's Guide To Help Your Best Mate Get His Girl Caution: Author is not liable for any bodily harm that may arise as a result of ideas taken from this guide, especially when used on certain redheads with the temper of a caged dragon
1. The List

**A/N: **Thought I'd try something different and it is still James Potter's birthday today... somewhere. Anyway, hope you like.

**Disclaimer: **Hogwarts still belongs to J.K. Rowling

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><p><strong>Prologue:<strong>

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><p>"Evans! The love of my life, the apple of my eye, the -"<p>

"What is it Potter?" demanded Lily irritably.

"So Hogsmeade tomorrow, I hear you haven't got a date yet."

"Potter…" Lily warned him, in a voice that would've made any other sane human being quiver in fear. Unfortunately, it was James Potter she was talking to and human being wasn't exactly the first description that came to mind.

"So how about it?" He asked, giving her his best wink and that signature smirk.

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><p>"…and then she hexed me" Finished James sadly, as he retold the story, later that night in the dormitory, with the other marauders.<p>

"Honestly though, Lily is getting weak. She's never resorted to reusing the same hex before" noted Remus, as he fixed the tentacles that were now sprouting from James' head after his earlier encounter with Lily.

"Yeah, maybe she's finally caving in" encouraged Peter, enthusiastically.

"Oh my Lily flower, how much longer are you going to evade my advances?" swooned James, always one for dramatics, "How much longer are you going to deny your undeniable feelings for me?"

"Prongs, mate, I hate to break it to you, but you _really_ need to get laid"

"Padfoot!" said James with mock astonishment, "How could you even _think _of something that ludicrous! I would never do that to my darling Evans! You just wait! One of these days she will agree to give me a chance and we will sail off into the sunset and make lots of little James' and Lilys and it will be perfect and-" he trailed off with a lovesick expression on his face, while a disgusted Sirius just shook his head, exchanging exasperated looks with the remaining three marauders before sending a pillow, whizzing at James' head.

It hit him square in the face, waking him from whatever daydream he was stuck in.

"Hey!" he complained, as Sirius doubled over, laughing.

That was, until a pillow of retaliation came whizzing at his own head. Thus, yet another pillow fight began, lasting until the two dark haired boys lay sprawled on the floor in a tangle of limbs, gasping with various injuries

Remus and Peter quietly looked on at their bickering friends until a proud Sirius emerged, sitting on top of James' head and claiming that love and made him weak. This caused the observing werewolf to cheer quietly as Peter handed him a large chunk of the chocolate he had been munching on.

"Honestly mate, I can't believe it's been three years and she hasn't even agreed to go out with you!"

"As if_ you _could do any better, Padfoot!"

"Is that a challenge Prongsie? Are you _inviting _me to use my overpowering charms on the lovely Miss Evans?"

"Not on my flower you aren't!" gasped James, shocked at the mere thought.

"I'll tell you what James, I'll help you."

"You'll what?"

"Just do what I say, and I'll help you get Evans."

"I don't know Padfoot…"

"Oh come on Prongs, it's been three _years! _You have nothing to lose. Trust me!"

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><p>And so, Sirius Black found himself, seated at a table in the library the very next day, ignoring the curious glances of various students and the suspicious scowl of one Madam Pince ("Black, if you so much as breathe out of turn, I will boot you out of here before you can say prank.") He was concentrating as hard as possible on the piece of parchment laid out in front of him, twirling his quill absentmindedly and trying his best to ignore the not-so-bad-looking Ravenclaw working at the table next to him.<p>

So far, the parchment read:

"Sirius Black's Guide to Help Your Best Mate Get His Girl"

By the one and only, incredibly charming and devilishly handsome, Sirius Black

Below which he had recorded many ideas to help James on his quest to woo Lily. Once he had filled in the parchment, he decided to shorten the list, crossing out those he felt were too farfetched and most definitely wouldn't work (There was no way that apologizing to Lily for any damage he had caused both her and her 'friend' Snape, and then asking for a make-up dinner would work. Apologize to old Snivellus? He'd rather jump off the astronomy tower... wait, that's actually a good idea! He thought as he frantically wrote down 'threaten to jump of Astronomy Tower' on the list.) When he was done, he leaned back on his chair, admiring his work. Prongs is going to have to beat Evans off with a stick once he's through with this, he thought excitedly.

"Padfoot?" came a very Moony voice from behind him. "Are you alright?"

"Moony! Oh Thank Merlin!" he gasped loudly, earning himself a glare from the watchful librarian as he rose from his seat. "It was the books! I swear! They kidnapped me!" he went on, falling dramatically into Remus' arms.

"Padfoot! Geroff!" hissed Remus, trying to keep his voice low and support the extremely heavy animagus at the same time.

Sirius (thankfully) complied, and deciding that his work at the library was done, rolled up the piece of parchment he had been working on and stuffed it into his pocket.

"Let's get out of here" he said in an exaggerated whisper, "While we can…"

He then dragged a protesting Remus who had "homework to do" out of the library away from Madam Pince's accusing glare (after flashing the Ravenclaw on the adjacent table his patented Sirius smirk of course) and out to the Quidditch Pitch, for practice.

This was going to be so much fun, thought Sirius, eager to show Prongs the list in his pocket (he couldn't show Remus just yet, in case the prefect, who also happened to be Lily's friend, decided that it was his duty to object to some of the items on the list.)

Maybe if James finally got Lily, the rest of them wouldn't be subjected to minute-by-minute accounts of his failure of a love life.

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><p><strong>AN: **What did you think? Yes, No, maybe? Chapter One will be here soon.


	2. The Astronomy Tower

**A/N: **Chapter 1! I really hope this lives up to your expectations. So tell me what you think yeah?

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><p><strong>1.<strong> **Convince best mate to 'jump' off astronomy tower if the lady refuses to go out with him. (make sure you are waiting to catch him, just in case…)**

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><p>"And you're sure this will work?"<p>

"Absolutely positive" replied the other marauder, confidently.

"And you'll be there to catch me" James wasn't entirely convinced, "Just in case."

"Of course!"

"I don't know Padfoot, maybe this is too dangerous" He turned back to Sirius "here, give me that list, we can try something else"

"Danger Schmanger! Since when was the great James Potter, scared of a little danger!" He said, holding the piece of parchment just out of reach.

"But it looks so high…" James trailed off as he peered over the edge of the balcony.

"So what?" demanded Sirius "The worst that could happen is that you end up with a few broken bones, and a couple of bruises. I'm sure Madam Pomfrey could easily fix you up! Besides! You're not _actually _going to fall off! Not even_ Evans_, wants you to jump off the Astronomy Tower!"

"But what if she _does_?"

"I'll catch you!"

James gave him a long look, before finally nodding. "Okay, we'll do it tonight"

"That's my boy!" grinned Sirius proudly.

"But you have to catch me!"

"Of course Jamesy!"

"And you have to stop calling me Jamesy"

"Of course, Jamesy!"

This just _had _to work.

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><p>"Potter! What on <em>earth<em> are you doing?" came the shriek of the one and only, Lily Evans later that night.

"Say you love me Evans!"

"Potter, get _down_ from there this instant!"

A large crowd had begun to form around a red-as-her-hair Lily and a currently standing on the edge of the balcony at the top of the astronomy tower James.

James turned to peer down, moving closer to the edge and almost losing his balance in the process. This earned him a gasp from the crowd of mostly Gryffindor girls that had followed Lily from the common rooms and who were currently watching the scene unfold. He couldn't really see all the way down, because it was already dark, however from what he could tell from previous experience, it was a very long drop.

No, Sirius would catch him, he thought, trying to keep himself from jumping back down to the safe floor in front of him and forgetting this hare brained plan altogether. Sirius had flown out on his broom before James had left the dormitory, and was supposed to be flying just below the balcony, keeping hidden just in case he was needed.

"Oh, come on Evans! Just go out with me! One date and I'll get down and we can forget this ever happened."

"Potter are you out of your mind?"

James sighed. "Well, it was nice knowing you, my darling Lily flower. Just know that, I always loved you." He paused for effect, trying to remember the quote from some muggle bloke they had studied last year, "Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last-"

"Potter are you quoting Shakespeare?" asked Lily, now looking a bit unsure of herself, her voice was lower than it had been before and there were just visible worry marks creasing her forehead. Maybe Potter had finally lost it. Maybe this wasn't just one of his idiotic pranks after all….

"Goodbye, cruel word!" cried James, running his hand through his hair one last time.

Then before anyone could stop him, he jumped.

Lily rushed over to the edge of the balcony along with the others who were watching.

"POTT-JAMES!" she yelled, trying as hard as she could to make out something, anything in the darkness. She turned back to the group of students who were also peering over the edge. "WHAT THE HELL WERE ALL OF YOU LOOKING AT? WHY DIDN'T YOU _STOP _HIM!" She yelled at them, fuming. When none of them replied she let out a cry of frustration and made for the door.

She ran all the way down to the large oak doors of the castle, making no effort to dodge the prowling teachers and avoiding the trick stairs with practiced ease. What had she done? Why was she so damn stubborn? All he had wanted was one date! All she had to do was say yes and he wouldn't have…damn James bloody Potter and his bloody big ego. Damn James Potter that reckless, big headed bastard!

When she reached the bottom of the astronomy tower she paused, looking around, completely breathless.

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><p>"SIRIUS!" hissed James as he dangled 60 feet above the ground, the only thing stopping him from falling to his certain death was Sirius holding onto his right arm. "I thought you said you'd catch me!"<p>

"And I did Prongs! Now hold still so I can get you up!"

"I could've died Padfoot!"

"What the bloody hell did you _eat _today? You weigh a tonne!"

"Padfoot, just get me up!"

"Alright, alright, just hang on."

After a five minute struggle, Sirius managed to heave James properly onto his broomstick. As soon as both boys were safely on, Sirius angled the broom downwards, careful to stay in the shadows and keep their cover.

"Where are we going?" demanded James, who was under the impression that they were just going to head back to the dormitory and sulk off this recent bout of rejection.

"Well _you're_ going to go see Evans and _I'm _going to pay dear Miss Vane a visit."

"But, she thinks I'm dead?"

"Exactly!"

James gave him a puzzled look.

"Do I really need to spell it out for you?" He sighed and shook his head "Prongs! Evans thinks you're dead."

"Yeah"

"And she thinks it's her fault that you are dead"

"hmmm…"

"I'm not telling you a bloody story! Think! Evans is obviously mad at herself that she let you jump off the tower and now she is down there, feeling miserable about it. All you need to do is go down there and show her that you are all right, and she'll be so thrilled to see you that…"

"She'll run straight into my arms!" cried James, his facing lighting up "Padfoot, have I ever told you that you're a genius?"

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><p>"Padfoot, have I ever told you that you're a stupid git?"<p>

"Aw Prongs! It can't have been that bad!"

"Do you remember how mad McGonagall was when she found out who gave her that makeover last year?"

"Ah, Minnie! I must say that feathered boa was an improvement!"

"Well Lily made her seem as harmless as a teddy bear!"

"It can't have been that bad! I mean, the spikes, they really bring out the red in your tie. And Madam Pomfrey said that you would be out of here with all your bones by tomorrow" replied Sirius, prodding James' limp limbs.

The two dark haired boys were sitting in the hospital wing, Sirius, who had been kicked out two hours earlier had returned under James' cloak to keep him company after he had woken up (Lily had left him unconscious, but still had the decency to levitate him up to the hospital wing).

"Chocolate?" he asked offering James some, only to be thanked with a glare and a pointed look at the floppy arm by James' side, "Oh right, sorry." He cleared his throat. "Ah well, I guess we'll just have to be more careful with this next one…" he said, pulling out the crumpled list from his robe pockets.

"Next one?" cried James, whipping around and letting out a yelp when this caused his sides to burn from the spikes "Padfoot, you better burn that list because there is _no _way I'm using any of your ideas again."

"You can't just give up Prongs!"

"I'm not-" he grimaced "I'm not giving up! I'll just ask Remus or something, I bet his ideas would cause me less pain!"

"But Prongs!" whined Sirius "It'll be better this time, I promise!" he used his best puppy dog face, one that he had long since perfected.

"Padfoot, I told you never to use that look on me again!" he sighed.

"So you'll do it? Come on Prongsie, please?"

"Well I guess we could just…"

"Great! All we'll need is a few hundred galleons and we should be good!"

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><p><strong><strong>**A/N: **So what do you think? Ideas and suggestions are welcome, just leave a review.


	3. The Goblin

**A/N: **Thank you guys so much for your lovely reviews, you really are amazing. Here is chapter 2!

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><p><strong>2. Convince best mate to hire a goblin to follow the girl around all day, showering her with flowers, chocolate and other such things that girls like.<strong>

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><p>"But it's so ugly!"<p>

"Don't insult goblins Prongs!" whispered Sirius "they can be nasty little things"

"Are you _sure _Lily will like that- that _thing _following her around all day?"

"We can dress it up! Make it look better. And besides she can't say no to the flowers and the chocolate."

"and the sorry cards! Don't forget the sorry cards!"

"Oh yes, that too…" replied Sirius as he dug around in his trunk, looking for suitable clothes to dress their goblin in. He settled on a muggle 'tuxedo' he had purchased in a fit of defiance while the rest of his family was at Diagon Alley. "This should do" he claimed, holding up the piece of clothing in question while James admired it.

"Could do with a bit of fitting though…" he said, eyeing the Sirius sized suit that would be much too big for the goblin, "Where'd you get it?"

"In London"

"_Muggle _London?"

"Yeah, I was hiding from the cousins when I ran into this muggle shop. I figured it would make my mother mad so I bought it." He shrugged.

"Here, I'll do it" said James, pointing his wand at the clothes lying on Sirius' bed and muttered a quick spell. He stood back as the clothes shrunk to a size that would fit the goblin standing awkwardly in the middle of their dorm.

"Goblin" he said, finally addressing their guest, "I require your assistance to win the heart of the lovely Miss Evans. Now what is your name?"

"Gert." He replied in a rough voice "Me name is Gert."

"Alright Gert, now I need you to put this on. Don't worry we won't look…" said James, trying for some humor.

But the goblin just watched them with his beady little eyes, showing no emotion at all until the two boys quietened down.

"Very well then, I will begin my work now." He stated in his monotone voice that could've put even Professor Binns to shame.

"Er- yeah, I guess" replied James, running a hand through his hair.

The Goblin snapped his fingers and at once was dressed in the tuxedo, looking much smarter than before as he left the room, giving the two marauders nothing but a nod.

"Jolly little fellow, isn't he?" asked Sirius, flopping down on his bed

"Sirius, maybe this isn't such a good idea…"

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><p>Lily was just making her way down to the great hall for breakfast when she heard a voice call from behind her.<p>

"Are you Miss Lily Evans?"

It was a strangely monotone voice she had never heard before and it caused her to whip around, almost dropping her books in fright.

"Er- yes" she said slowly, trying to find where it was coming from, and realizing with a start that it was from somewhere near the ground. There, standing in front of her, in an elaborate tuxedo, about four feet tall with an enormous hooked nose stood a goblin, not unlike those from Gringotts. It was, she realized, this Goblin who had just addressed her. "yes I am… if you don't mind my asking, who are you?"

"My name is Gert"

"Well um… hello Gert"

The Goblin nodded, before producing a large, an extremely pretty white lily, seemingly out of thin air. He continued on in a business-like fashion "Miss Evans, Mister Potter would like to offer you his sincere apologies for what happened last week on the astronomy tower." He handed the flower to Lily, "-and he requests that you accompany him to dinner this Friday night, to make up for it."

"Mister Potter?" asked Lily confusedly accepting the flower. Then it all fell into place. "Potter!" she seethed, of course this was all his doing, his way to _apologize. _He can't suck up his pride enough to do it himself so he hires this- this _goblin _to do it for him! "He _apologizes _did you say? Well you can tell him that he can take his apologies" She crushed the flower in her hands "And his dinner dates" She ripped it to pieces "and he can shove them right up his-"

"Miss Evans, I am afraid I am not your messenger" interrupted the goblin in his dull monotone voice, seemingly unphased by Lily who was now furiously stomping on the poor flower.

"Why you little-" cried Lily, glaring at the goblin now, but before she could finish her sentence she spotted a smirking Sirius Black accompanied by Remus and Peter, making their way down to breakfast.

"Morning Lily" said Remus as they passed, raised his eyebrow when he saw the goblin, but having been around Sirius and James' schemes for 5 years, decided not to interfere. Besides, this really did seem like one of their safer ideas.

"Lily! I see you have found yourself a new friend" smiled Sirius, "Hey, Gert!"

"You!" growled Lily "You put him up to this!"

"_He_ has a name, and I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about, dear." He replied "Gert, James says you can start phase 2 and 3 now" he added as he passed by the goblin who was watching the exchange.

The goblin just nodded and three marauders continued, on their quest for food, with Peter throwing back nervous glances at the red head they had left behind. He couldn't tell who was more frightening, the girl or the goblin.

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><p>"Alright Evans?" asked James casually, as he passed a frowning Lily on her way to Transfiguration after lunch. The corridor they were standing in, like many around the castle that day was strewn with lily petals, confetti and 'sorry' cards in a long line that stopped by the feet of one <em>very <em>annoyed looking Lily Evans.

"Potter, you call your goblin off this instant!"

"Oh, but Lilykins! Look at the pretty flowers! And didn't you get the sorry notes I sent you?"

"Get them? No, I had them _thrown _at me by this goddamn _goblin_ and every single one of them had your arrogant bloody face on it!"

"Did you like them?" he asked, ignoring her obvious irritation "I picked that picture specially, I thought the Quidditch pitch background looked-"

"Nauseating?"

"Well I was going to say stunning but-" he ran a hand through his already dishevelled hair as he observed the mess he had caused.

"Potter, you call that goblin off or so help me God, I will-OW!" she cried as Gert decided to take that moment to switch tactics and start throwing neatly wrapped, tear drop shaped chocolate at the fuming red head.

"Now, now Gert, play nice" said James to the goblin, not even bothering to hide his amused smile.

Lily was about to wipe it off his face with a well aimed hex, but unfortunately they had already reached their classroom and Professor McGonagall did not look pleased.

"Miss Evans, you are late" She addressed Lily because by now she knew better than to question James' tardiness. Lily glanced nervously back, at Gert who luckily decided that he'd rather wait outside than sit through a Transfiguration lesson.

"Minnie! Are those new robes m'dear? Because you look absolutely stunning" said James, as he easily passed through the doorway.

"Just sit down Mr Potter" said the professor skilfully hiding her smile.

Lily sighed as she took her seat, Potter may have saved her from a detention, but that did not mean he was getting a free pass. No. It was time someone taught that arrogant sodding git a lesson.

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><p>"Ow!" cried James as something hit him in the head. He whirled around to see none other than Gert, standing behind him with his usual disinterested look. "What was- what are <em>you <em>doing here?"

"Following your orders"

"I told you to go follow Lily until she admitted how much she loved me"

"I believe your exact words were 'Goblin, I require your assistance to win the heart of the lovely Miss Evans'"

"Well, go do that then" he replied, waving the goblin away.

"I am"

"What do you-OW!" he cried out as yet again, something hit him on the head, "What-Who did that?" he looked around the empty corridor suspiciously.

"It was me"

"Why would you-"

"Just following your orders" replied the goblin, his lips spreading into a slightly evil looking grin, revealing rows of yellow teeth in the process.

"Look, Gert, I have no idea what you're talking about, but I don't think it's working with Lily, so you can just give Sirius his tux back and take this" he said, thrusting a small bag of galleons to the goblin who in turn caught it.

"It's okay Master Potter" replied the goblin, still grinning toothily "I like to finish a job when I start it" with that he clicked his fingers, causing James to yelp again as bucket of water (and the bucket itself) fell on his head, seemingly from thin air.

"What are you-?"

There was another snap and all of a sudden feathers were floating down, sticking to his wet robes.

And so James went through the rest of the day, followed by Gert the goblin who snapped his fingers every time James talked causing random household items to fall on him out of thin air. He yelped and he yelled, he accused the goblin of being a traitor and he cast multiple hexes, but every time he did so Gert just snapped his fingers and something else would come whizzing at him.

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><p>Little did James know, he was being watched the whole time. Lily Evans chuckled to herself from her spot behind the suit of armor on the third floor corridor as she watched the exchange between the goblin and the young wizard who if he had known that she was watching, would have controlled his not-so-manly scream as the slime was poured all over his pristine Quidditch uniform.<p>

"_You_ did this?" asked Remus, surprised.

"Why is that so hard to believe?"

"I never thought you would condone such inhumane acts of cruelty" he said, wincing as his friend got hit by a broom.

Lily raised her eyebrow at that. "He pretended to jump off the astronomy tower making me think he was dead, and he apologised by hiring a goblin to follow me around all day, pelting me with flowers, chocolate and pictures of himself"

"Okay, maybe _that_ was a little too far" he said "How did you do it?"

"Potter isn't the only one who can charm goblins you know" replied Lily with a wink and a mischievous smile, that would have made James proud.

"Lily Evans, you never cease to amaze me"

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><p>"He took my tuxedo Prongs!"<p>

"Padfoot, were you not listening to a word I was saying? The goblin chased me around all day attacking me with just about every item imaginable"

"And then he stole my tux!"

"It's just a damn tux!"

"It was my favourite tux!"

"It was your only tux!"

"Exactly!"

"I told you the goblin was a bad idea!"

"No, you said dancing naked on the breakfast table was a bad idea."

"Well it was!"

"No it wasn't! Evans would have been all over you but no, you decided to ignore your obviously superior best friend's advice and hire a damn goblin." He paused, 'Who steals tuxedos!"

"It's all that bloody list's fault!"

Sirius looked affronted.

"Just because you can't dance!"

"I am a _very _capable dancer, thank you very much!"

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><p><strong>AN: **and we're done! Hope you liked it. I tried to make James a little less dramatic, but I don't know if it worked.

Any ideas on what Sirius' next plan is going to be? I'll give you a clue: It involves dragons ;)


	4. The Dragon

**A/N:** It's my birthday today and I really wanted to get this out for today, so here goes.

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><p><strong>3. Convince best mate to save the fair damsel in distress by vanquishing the fearsome dragon.<strong>

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><p>"Okay, explain to me again exactly why we're doing this"<p>

"For the greater good! To rid the world of Prongs' endless moping. To make it a better place for everyone"

"Right. I'm thinking as a prefect this is the sort of plan I ought to stop..."

"Oh Moony, sometimes I wonder what would have become of you had you not met us"

"Sometimes, I wonder that too"

"We certainly are a good influence, stopped your life from being a complete waste of time and all."

"I can't think of any greater way to spend my life, than in detention"

"And we saved you from an eternity of boredom"

"Yes, I've been meaning to thank you for that"

"You should"

"and then there is the modesty, a quality I greatly admire in you Padfoot" said Remus drily as he continued to page through the large book in front of him, trying to find the right spell.

"Moony, I know my endless modesty turns you on, but you really have to refrain yourself, we have match-making to do"

"Ah, Sirius Black, matchmaker extraordinaire- here this one should do" he said, pointing to one particular spell. It was however this moment that James decided to enter, followed by an extremely tired looking Peter.

"Honestly, that girl, it's a crime to look so beautiful and yet be so _dangerous_!"

Peter sighed, it looked like this wasn't the first time that particular dialogue had come up. He was about answer him when James put up a hand to stop him

"What are youtwo doing here?"

"What- What do you mean, nothing absolutely nothing" said Sirius quickly.

"We're just sitting here having a completely ordinary conversation" Remus started at the same time, shutting the book and shoving it behind his back.

"You were _meant _to be my moral support when I asked Evans out today"

"Oh right, sorry we missed it"

"We were busy"

"Really busy"

"Really very busy"

James narrowed his eyes at them.

"What have you got there, Moony?" he asked, facing Remus

"Nothing, Prongs, just doing a little bit of extra reading, you know what I'm like..."

James lunged at the werewolf who instinctively dodged, revealing an easy line to the book he was protecting.

"You cheat!" protested Remus, picking himself up off the floor.

"'Pricilla Hagen's guide to Advanced Fashion Designing', Moony, is there something you would like to tell us?" he grinned "I mean, Padfoot, I understand, he's always wanted to be a model..."

"Underwear model" corrected Sirius

"I'm sorry _underwear _model, but I didn't know you were going to be designing for him."

"Well you see..." started Remus, before Sirius threw him a glare "What, he's going to find out anyway!"

"Not until we actually go through with it!"

"Go through with what?"

"Padfoot has another plan to get you and Lily together" said Remus quickly.

"Padfoot what? Padfoot! I told you we weren't going to try out any more of your plans!"

"But Prongs! this one _has _to work!"

"That's what you said last time! And the time before that!"

"But this time it will be different, this time Moony will help us, and you know if _Moony _helps us, there's no way Evans can say no!"

"Er Padfoot?" interrupted Remus "While I'm very touched by your faith in me there is no way..." he trailed off as he saw the look on Sirius' face, "Well its worth a shot" he sighed.

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><p>"Arrf Arrf" barked the giant black dog at the mirror in their dorm.<p>

"Padfoot, you look fine! Come on or else we'll miss her" said James exasperated. How was it that even in Animagus form, his friend still managed to be so... "Merlin Padfoot, get off me!"

The dog spread its mouth in what could only have been the dog version of a grin, with his tongue lolling out and revealing a set of shiny white teeth while James rubbed his face.

"I don't care if you are a dog that is just gross!"

A 'hurry up' bark was his only reply.

The two made their way down to the grounds by the lake, James with his broom in hand (He needed a weapon after all).

When they reached the grassy hill they immediately spotted Lily who was engrossed in one of her a novel in the shade of a large tree.

"Okay, you go over there" gestured James to another tree, "And I'll go talk to her. You can come out in about 3 minutes, got it?"

The dog nodded his large head and trotted off to the tree James had pointed to. By the time James had approached Lily there was nothing but the tip of a fluffy back tail that could be seen only to those who were looking.

"Evans!" cried James enthusiastically

"Not now, Potter" sighed Lily, glancing up from her book and looking thoroughly exhausted

"Oh Lilykins! I missed you too my sweet flower"

"What do you want Potter? Shouldn't you be flying around on that twig you call a broomstick?"

James gasped. "Evans! I wouldn't have pegged you for the jealous type."

"Was there a reason you interrupted my perfectly nice afternoon?"

"Well no, no there really wasn't" said James running a hand through his hair "I just wanted to see your beautiful face"

"Well, you've seen it, so now leave"

But James had already flopped down onto the grass next to her and was flipping through the book Lily had been so busy reading.

"Ugh!" he said as he looked through it "Is this one of those ridiculous muggle romances you girls love so much"

"So what if it is" said Lily, turning slightly pink as she grabbed it back.

"They're all soppy and unrealistic, honestly Evans, I expected better of you"

"And what _is _realistic then Potter?" asked Lily, folding her arms.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do you think the realistic version of love is? Bad pick-up lines, stupid nicknames and asking me out to Hogsmeade 5 times a day?"

"Evans-"

"Don't Evans me, Potter, you wouldn't know romantic if it..." she trailed off and her eyes widened as she saw something big, black and orange come out from behind a nearby tree.

On the it's head and back were orange spikes while its black fur looked almost scaly. It had orange feet with huge claws and a long reptilian tail that was also covered in spikes. But what stood out most of all were the huge leathery black wings with a shock of orange on them that looked like creeping fire.

"P-Potter" was all Lily could manage to stammer out as she stared at the giant thing in front of her which was now growling and moving in towards her.

"Don't worry Evans, my fair lady, my damsel in distress!" cried James, turning his head to hide his grin, Sirius looked ridiculous! Like some kind of duck crossed with a dog with spikes and bat wings. However this weird combination along with the raised hackles and growls seemed to be working! The great Lily Evans was afraid.

Lily however had finally recovered from the initial shock and was now looking at the hybrid more sceptically, noting its dog-like features and its wagging tail.

"Potter it's just a-"

"Monster! Don't worry fair maiden, I will vanquish this beast and rescue you from his clutches so that we can finally live happily ever after!"

"But it's just a-"

"I know you're frightened but have faith in me"

"Potter I'm not-"

"I know my love, I know" said James "Be safe. Be strong"

"I-"

But James had already spun around, grabbing his broomstick and using it like a sword to jab at the dog.

They danced around like this for a few minutes, James pretending to swing at him and the dog dodging out of the way, both paying no heed to Lily yelling at James to stop hurting the poor animal.

Finally, when the dog knocked his broomstick out of his hands James did the only thing he could think of, other than wrestling with him.

"Stand back you foul, loathsome creature" he yelled as he spun around and scooped up a very shocked Lily into his arms.

The dog stopped suddenly, looking around as if he was trying to catch a scent from by the lake, James followed his gaze.

Peter was walking up towards the trio who were now stopping to stare at him. In his hand was the biggest ice cream James had ever seen, dripping with chocolate and nuts, trust Pete to find the biggest ice cream in Hogsmeade, he thought.

The black dragon dog however took more interest, ignoring the other two and bounding over to Pete, wagging his tail and whining in a way that no one could resist.

"Padfoot! You know you can't have chocolate!" said Peter, between a mouthful of ice cream "No, don't give me that look, don't you dare! James! Are you com-"

He paused, finally noticing that his friend was standing there with the love of his life still in his arms.

"Er- that's- I guess I'll just be going then" he said quickly, knowing that he would probably have to listen to multiple retells of the story anyway.

James and Lily themselves realised at that moment how they must have looked. James smirked as he put Lily down.

"See Evans, I told you I would rescue you, now, there is still a few hours left before we have to get back from Hogsmeade... what do you say we head down there for a celebration and start our living happily ever after?"

Lily took a moment to regain her complexion before slowly turning red.

"James Potter did you dress up your best friend's dog as a dragon and then set him on me!"

"Now, now Lily dear, I don't think that's fair, I mean Padfoot didn't attack you, and he isn't exactly Peter's _dog _he's a dragon!"

"Dragon, Potter? You want a dragon? I'll show you a dragon!" she cried drawing her wand.

Unfortunately for James, the red head's rage was fuelled by the growing crowd and the only thing available to take it out on was the broomstick still lying on the grass that had only a few minutes ago been used as a weapon.

"Real. Dragons. Breathe. Fire!" cried Lily before pointing her wand at the broom and yelling "_Incendio!_"

Immediately the broomstick was engulfed in flames. It was a giant crackling flame ball where the aptly named 'Firebolt '74' lay.

Lily took this moment to stomp away, the crowd parting to let her through while James started hopping around the black remains of his broom shouting "Scarlett! No Scarlett! I'm so sorry, Scarlett!" as he desperately tried to think of the spell needed to fix it.

* * *

><p>"Minnie!" cried James later that evening "Minnie- Professor McGonagall Ma'am, you have to help me!"<p>

"Mr Potter, it is 11, o clock at night, what pray tell are you doing out of your bed at this hour?"

"I've tried everything! But she just won't- Look at her!" he said holding up the charred remains of his once glorious broom.

"Mr Potter we can deal with this tomorrow just go to bed"

"But Minnie!" cried James, agitated "We have a game tomorrow and if I don't have a broom I can't play! And Gryffindor doesn't stand a chance... please Min-Professor! We _have _to win this match or else we'll lose...to _Slytherin_!"

Professor McGonagall paused, looking at the usually laid back 5th year standing in front of her. She had never seen him like this, not in the 5 years he had been at this school and although part of her knew that he should be getting a detention for wondering around the school at this hour another part, a much more dominant part told her that she had to help him.

"Alright Potter" she sighed, inspecting the broom in his hands, or what remained of it anyway.

She prodded it with her wand, muttering inconceivable incantations to it sending out shots of silver and red lights, however nothing seemed to work. If anything, they only seemed to make it worse.

Finally, giving up she turned to the eagerly waiting James saying "I'm sorry, James. There's nothing I can do for it, you'll just have to use one of the school brooms for tomorrow"

"I have to-She's- No, you have to be able to- I can't- But-"

* * *

><p>"I'm over her" stated James as he made his way to the cupboard where they kept the school brooms.<p>

"And I'm secretly a leprechaun" said Sirius laughing "Come off it Prongs, we all know you can't go a minute without thinking about Evans

"No, this time I'm really over her" replied James, glumly trying to find the broom least likely to break down mid-flight.

"You can't be serious!"

"She went too far this time Padfoot. Mindy was- I can't believe she just- the woman is heartless and I've wasted too much time chasing after her."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I feel like the biggest troll, please don't hate me. I mean I couldn't have _real _dragons, they'd just eat everyone! and then burn everything else. Anyway, I don't know how I feel about this chapter so any feedback would be much appreciated! (and there may even be some birthday cake left ;))


	5. The Girlfriend

**A/N: **Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews, you inspired me! And now for chapter 4.

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><p><strong>4. Follow the lady around all day informing her of your friend's many positive attributes<strong>

* * *

><p>"Why chase the quaffle when you see the snitch, Prongs?"<p>

"_Because _I'm the chaser! I'm not a seeker, Padfoot. If I catch the snitch, which I probably won't because I am _chaser, _I could get disqualified! Besides, she hates me, she's made _that _clear enough. I might as well admit it." He looked at Sirius then, "You really think she's the snitch?"

"Life isn't a bloody Quidditch game!" huffed Sirius, annoyed that his carefully though up argument had become so easily invalid. "Besides do you even hear yourself? You sound like one of those snivelling lovesick lunatics, I thought you were over her" challenged Sirius

"You're the one who brought up the Quidditch analogies in the first place! And I am very much over her, thank you very much. I have a girlfriend now" said James, sounding almost proud of himself.

"Oh yeah, about that..." started Sirius, not wanting to be the one to break the bad news.

"Padfoot...What did you do!" asked James he knew that look, and now he was worried.

Sirius sat up on the bed he had been lounging on.

"Well, it's a long story...and it probably explains why you look like one of Lily's little blue men"

* * *

><p>"Marauders, assemble!" called Sirius "Are we all here? Wormtail!"<p>

"Um... yes?" asked Peter, nervously. Sirius was frightening when he had a mission to accomplish and Peter really didn't want to get mixed up in this one.

"Yes sir! You're supposed to answer with a 'Yes sir'! Honestly Pete!"

"Er- sorry, I mean sorry Sir. I'm here Sir!" said Peter, quickly.

"Good. Moony!"

"What do you want Padfoot?" asked Remus, looking longingly out the window "It's a brilliant day outside and the last thing-"

"Remus J Lupin! That is not the way you address your superiors!"

Remus sighed. There was no way he was going out for that swim today.

"Now, you may have realised that one of our fellow Marauders, Messer Prongs is missing from this meeting, and you may also be wondering why" he paused for effect "It has come to my attention that our very own James Potter, has gotten himself a girlfriend and is now 'over' Evans."

He surveyed their faces and was disappointed at their lack of enthusiasm for his cause.

"Becca isn't so bad! She's nice and smart and-"

"Hot" said Peter before blushing and inspecting the wooden floor of their dorm.

"and then there is that" agreed Remus "She likes Quidditch and most of all she likes _James!_ Lily never has shown any interest in him."

"But that's beside the point!" cried Sirius, alarmed. He had thought Remus and Peter were his biggest allies "James _loves _Evans! He said so himself! He can't just _stop!_" he continued, trying to use his hands to express his feelings on the subject, but ended up almost whacking Peter on the head. "Gentleman, I have an idea." He said with that glint in his eye that meant someone or something was going to explode or was in some other kind of danger.

"Padfoot..." started Remus and Peter at the same time.

"Don't worry, no one will get hurt!" said Sirius in his most reassuring tone, but the other two were not convinced. "It's a twofold mission, here's what we'll do..."

* * *

><p>Rebecca McEwan was by all standards average. Sure, she was in Ravenclaw, but she wasn't the brightest. Neither was she the prettiest, or the most popular. Sure she played Quidditch for her house, but she wasn't exactly exceptional.<p>

She wasn't known for her temper and her dark brown hair was far from the flaming red of a certain other in her year group.

Rebecca McEwan was indeed average.

And so it came as a great surprise to her, that Thursday night, when she was approached by none other than James Potter. Hogwarts' very own opposite of average, star Quidditch playing, smart without studying, extremely good looking, popular, prankster protégé.

She had almost not been able to answer him when he'd asked her out on a date to Hogsmeade that weekend. Almost.

And now, when she sat, curled into his chest on one of the cushioned armchairs by the fire that was reserved only for the Marauders, she could still not believe that he had picked her.

There was, she found out, nothing truly exceptional, truly _frightening _about him. She had, like most girls, lived under the impression that he was some kind of god, to be worshipped from afar. But after spending time with him, she realised that he was just another charming, laid back, Quidditch mad, Hogwarts guy.

She sat up, as she saw the time on the large gold clock hanging on the wall of the common room and James groaned.

"It's getting late" she explained, and indeed it was nearing 10 which was when students were no longer permitted to roam the castle.

"Stay" pleaded James, but Rebecca was firm. She reached down to peck him on the lips as she gathered her bag to leave.

"I'll see you tomorrow Jamie" she said, ignoring Sirius' glare from the armchair next to theirs as she brushed by.

When she was out of earshot, Sirius quickly shot up "Jamie? Really Prongs? The woman is mad!"

"Not now, Padfoot" replied James groggily getting up from his chair and making his way up the stairs to their dorm.

It's worse than I thought, time to put into action phase one, thought Sirius as he glance around the common room, spotting Lily, also watching James ascend the stairs with a strange thoughtful look on her face.

* * *

><p>"Lily dear" called Sirius as he found her hurrying up a staircase the next day.<p>

"Not you too, Black! Just because Potter has found himself a girlfriend doesn't mean you get to take his place"

"Evans, I would never dream of it! No offence but you really aren't my type"

"Ouch, and here I was thinking anything that moved was your type"

"Aw Evans, don't be like that! I know you miss James and all, but you really don't need to take it out on me"

"Right now you're look at a four floor drop down to a hard marble floor, Black, so I'd be careful if I were you" warned Lily

"Speaking of _smooth _marble floors, did you know that my friend James has the smoothest face in the whole Wizarding world?"

"Black, do you know how utterly-"

"And _otters! _This one time, James saved a family of otters from drowning in a river by his _huge _mansion of a house"

"I never said _anything _about otters, and besides, otters can't drown!"

"Speaking of drowning, do you know who _doesn't _drown puppies? Yes, contrary to popular belief, James Potter does _not _drown puppies"

"Black, are you drunk?"

"Drunk? Me? No! But James Potter can drink a whole bottle of fire whisky in one go, and still be as sober enough to-"

"I don't care about your damn James Potter! What the hell are you playing at Black?"

"Do you know what James Potter is good at playing?" asked Sirius, ignoring her "Quidditch! That's what. He's the star player of our Quidditch team, in facts he's scored more points than-"

"Black, for the last time, I do not care!"

"And do you know what _else _James Potter is good at playing?"

By then they had reached the library, which Lily proceeded to enter. Sirius, however had been banned from that particular area of the castle after having blown up one particular aisle before drenching the section in green slime. Therefore he waited outside the library for the red head's return, thinking up more of James' positive attributes to throw at Lily as soon as she walked out.

He made a list to work into conversation while he waited; avoiding the strange looks he was receiving as he sat outside the library. Normally, he wouldn't have paid heed to punishments however there was something about Madam Pince's cold demeanour that made even him, pay attention.

* * *

><p>"James' hair-"<p>

"Should have been drowned at birth" finished Lily. If he was going to follow her around all day, talking about Potter, she might as well enjoy it, and maybe throw in a few good insults while she was at it.

"-is the colour of ebony"

"And let me guess, he has skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and he lives in the woods with seven other little men"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but do you know who is brave enough to roam around the Forbidden Forest..._at night_?"

"Let me guess, James Potter"

"Evans you're getting better at this! I knew there was a reason everyone called you smart. Do you, do you know who else is smart? I'll give you a clue, he got top marks in Transfiguration and Defence Against the Dark Arts as well as second in Charms, beaten only by you"

By this point they had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady who had just been practising her singing and decided to give them a taste.

"That was er- very nice" said Lily, forcing a smile "Candy apples"

"Thank you my dear, but the password has changes since this morning"

"It has?" said Lily, puzzled, as prefect she was supposed to know this kind of thing and she hadn't been informed "Do you know what it is?" she asked a smug looking Sirius.

"James Potter"

"Now really isn't the time for your Potter facts, Black" snapped Lily, dreading the possibility of being stuck with Sirius for a few more hours, or worse the rest of the night.

"You're welcome" he said as the Fat Lady swung open, grinning at Lily's shocked expression.

"You made the Fat Lady change the password?" asked Lily in disbelief, that was some complex magic, a charm like that would take weeks if not months to learn.

"That's another thing about James Potter" said Sirius winking as he led the way into the warm common room "He's a real charmer"

Their eyes immediately found the couple sitting by the fire along with Remus and Peter, who were currently engaged in a game of Wizard chess.

It's strange, thought Lily as she tried hard not to look too obvious, it's been almost two weeks since he's asked me out. That hasn't happened since the summer, scratch that, even during summer Potter still managed to do _something _irritating through his letters which involved very much uninvited and annoyingly detailed accounts of his holidays to foreign countries while Lily was stuck at home with Petunia, who hated her guts and her even more annoying boyfriend, Vernon.

Sirius on the other hand was too busy being disgusted by the sight of his best friend _with another girl! (_How dare he!) That he didn't notice Lily's obvious staring. He really needed to work on phase two.

James however broke both their thoughts as he called them over.

"What have you two been up to my friends? Spending some quality time together have we?" he asked them, wiggling his eyebrows, Sirius however did not miss the flash of curiosity or was that jealousy that was gone within a second.

"Potter, I am not your friend, nor have I ever been, so I'm going to leave...now" said Lily coldly. Maybe his hair was the colour of ebony. Sort of. If it wasn't so damn messed up! And his- but she stopped there, not liking where this train of thought was going.

Once Lily had made her usual dramatic exit, Sirius looked around for his usual seat, only to find that it was now taken by a certain Ravenclaw whom he was pretty sure shouldn't have been in these common rooms in the first place.

"Oh, do you want to sit?" asked Rebecca who must have noticed his looking around, "Here take mine, I can just share with Jamesy"

Take _mine_? Jamesy! Oh it was _Jamesy_ now? No one called James Jamesy, except himself! And besides, James hated that name! He waited for James' protest, but found his friend just smiled and pulled Rebbeca into a kiss instead.

"No, I'm fine, I was just leaving anyway" he spat.

* * *

><p>To Be Continued<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Sorry about the whole two part thing, but it became too long for one chapter. Did you get the TLAT reference?

Anyway, let me know what you think about the chapter and Rebecca.


	6. The Broom Cupboard

**A/N: **Longest chapter yet! As always thanks for reviewing, you are my motivation.

* * *

><p><strong>5. Lock best mate in a broom cupboard with the girl of his dreams. The longer, the more effective.<strong>

* * *

><p>James needed some advice. The wise kind. Remus Lupin just happened to be the wisest person James knew, which was why they were sitting there that day in the library, where there was no chance of being overheard by one Sirius Black, who was the reason James needed advice in the first place.<p>

"He hates me"

"He does not hate you, Prongs"

"No he hates me" said James, sounding fairly certain of this fact.

"Sure he's avoiding you, but he'll come around, it doesn't mean he _hates _you!"

"I shouldn't have yelled at him" said James, quietly looking down at his shoes.

"Yes, that was pretty low"

"But what was I supposed to do? I can't just break_ up_ with her!" defended James "What's his problem anyway?"

"I don't know James, how would you feel if he's got a girlfriend?" asked Remus, trying his best not to mention the words annoying or clingy for Rebecca had managed to get on his nerves a few times too. "Whom he spent most of his time with, and the only time you got to see him was when he was with his girlfriend"

"Annoyed, but I'd get over it"

"No, you'd feel replaced" said Remus calmly "And you wouldn't just get over it"

"Padfoot is a big boy, he can take care of himself" said James uncertainly "And he knows that I'd never replace him. Not with Rebecca, not with anybody"

"Does he?"

"I should go talk to him"

* * *

><p>Sirius was in position, poised and waiting for the right moment to pounce. Or rather to drop the container of blue slime that he had specifically prepared for one unsuspecting Ravenclaw.<p>

Of course it wasn't as simple as just _dropping _a bucket of blue slime on Rebecca McEwan, who was the target of this plan, no that would be too easy. Sirius was a Marauder and he took pride in his pranks. This slime was designed to drop from a _floating _and _invisible _bucket and the slime itself was made so that its colour would stain. Not clothes, but skin.

Rebecca McEwan didn't know it yet, but the very next day she would be emerging from her room completely and utterly blue.

This being said, he was still aware of how desperate he was getting. His pranks were losing their originality. They were becoming repetitive and altogether ineffective as the Ravenclaw continued to see James, and to her credit didn't even mention the pranks to him. He knew he needed to step up his game but that didn't stop him from having to try this last childish and very much over used prank.

This morning he had charmed Rebecca's utensils and food to start dancing as soon as she reached for them to eat. Being shy and unused to attention, it was not surprising that the sight of her breakfast doing the Macarena very loudly and everyone in the hall staring at her made her squeak and turn beetroot red.

Sirius personally thought this was one of his best choreographies yet and had already started planning a similar breakfast show, maybe this time he would make Snivellus' food do the salsa.

Suddenly he heard a distinctly Rebecca voice, squeaky and high pitched, even the sound of it made him mad. When he heard the footsteps rounding the corner he whispered the spell required to activate the slime, expertly timing it to tip as soon as the actual person came into view (this was after all a very simple prank he had been doing for years).

As soon as the figures rounded the corner however, Sirius knew something had gone wrong. For one thing, there were two pairs of legs rather than one, and the cry of alarm that had just escaped from the person drenched in slime was not the feminine scream of Rebecca McEwan (which he was now very much accustomed to), no it was a very masculine shout of surprise that sounded very familiar.

"What the bloody hell was that?" cried James, and the sight of him standing there drenched in blue slime, looking absolutely furious almost made Sirius double over laughing. However the invisibility cloak did not protect him from James' wrath if he found out who had turned him blue so Sirius bit his lip and tried to move away as fast as possible.

As soon as he had put a safe distance between himself and the corridor which James would surely be patrolling he pulled out the scrap of parchment entitled 'Sirius Black's Guide to Help your Best Mate Get His Girl' which was looking quite battered after spending weeks in Sirius' various pockets.

He needed a way to get James to admit he still liked Evans and for dear McEwan to hear this confession. Luring the two into a broom cupboard seemed to be the most promising of the ideas on the parchment so he decided to go with that.

First however, he needed to lure Evans into a broom cupboard which was easier said than done. Normally, with girls all he had to do was turn up his charm and they would skip right in, but with Evans (who he wasn't completely sure was an actual girl) things were a lot more complicated. The biggest issue being that after years of being chased unsuccessfully by James, there was no way she was going to trust Sirius' innocent Evans-there-is-a-monster-in-the-cupboard-please-save-me act.

James on the other hand would be a lot easier. Sirius was sure that even this new I-am-over-Evans James would not be able to resist jumping to aid a screaming-for-help Lily.

Sirius Black needed a new tactic and he was pretty sure he had just found it.

* * *

><p>Lily had just been walking down to the entrance hall for dinner when she saw it. A piece of chocolate tied to some string. It had a card on it too which read 'Lily Evans' in neat curved writing she recognized but did not know where from.<p>

She cast a look down the stairs where the students were milling into the Great Hall but she was thoroughly intrigued by this note and wasn't feeling that hungry anyway.

She followed the piece of chocolate up the stairs and into the second floor corridor where it proceeded to enter a broom cupboard.

Was this one of Potter's tricks? Though Lily nervously eyeing the broom cupboard. She had been pretty convinced by his I-have-a-girlfriend-now act and he had been pretty consistent with it.

It wasn't like this was the first time that James had been seeing someone, he had had girlfriends in the past, however this was the first time he was actually making an effort to avoid her.

She hadn't even caught him looking her way these past couple of weeks like she had done often enough before (not that she wanted him to, in fact she was perfectly happy being ignored). No this time it was different, James had actually become a half decent human being after being with Rebecca and she was _not _jealous. Not in the slightest.

This brought her back to her current dilemma. Should she enter the cupboard or just head back down to dinner?

The latter seemed to be the safer, more sensible option however Lily was not one to back down from a challenge. So with wand raised she walked carefully into the cupboard.

* * *

><p>James was blue.<p>

He had suspected it before, but there was no doubt about it now, the slime that had been tipped onto him was definitely the staining kind and whoever had made it, had intended for the colour to stay.

He contemplated going down to dinner, he was starving after all, however his date with Rebecca had been cut short after he had ran into the slime and he really needed to see her.

Pity, he thought I wouldn't mind walking into the great hall like this, everyone will be staring and maybe Evans will too. He quickly expelled that thought because as he had to keep reminding himself, he had Rebecca now.

I'll just head down to the kitchens he thought, the house elves had always been happy to offer up food day and night.

He was just passing through the second floor when he heard what seemed to be a banging noise. Interested, he decided to follow the noise, drawing his wand in case he happened to cross Snivellus.

When he came across the broom cupboard he almost turned right back around, not wanting to disturb whichever couple was currently occupying it before the rush of students came back from dinner.

He waswas stopped however when he heard the banging noise again, this time accompanied by a scream of "LET ME OUT!"

"Evans?" called James as he immediately recognized that voice (he was after all the cause of many such screams).

"Potter!" came the strangled reply.

"Hang on Evans I'm coming in!" cried James, getting ready to ram the door open "Stand back!" he warned.

With a huge thud James slammed into the door which burst open, revealing a very exhausted Lily. Unfortunately, in doing so, James too, found himself in the cupboard, pinning Lily into the wall.

Running his hand through his hair he turned to leave only to find that now he was stuck as well. With a bang the door slammed shut in their startled faces.

"Potter, tell me you had nothing to do with this" snarled Lily

"_I_ didn't do this!" said James quickly, holding up his hands defensively "I was just wandering down to the kitchens and I heard you banging on the door, so naturally I came in to rescue you but the door it just..."

"Trust you to come up with a plan like this! This is one of your elaborate pranks, isn't it? Let me guess, you made Black lure me in here and lock us up, and that Rebecca girl was all just a part of this-this _scheme_!"

"I had nothing to do with it, I swear!" cried James moving back as far as the cupboard would permit, facing Evans' wrath on the outside with the hospital wing close at hand was one thing but the things this girl could do in an enclosed space frightened him "Wait a minute did you say Black?"

"Yes, he's your usual partner in crime, isn't he?"

"I should have known!" sighed James, and really he should have. This particular idea was even on that stupid list of his! "Well if it _is _Sirius who put us in here, we really should settle down Lilykins, because we could be here a while"

"My name is Lily!"

"Nice to meet you too, Flower" said James, with practised ease. "Alohamora" he muttered to the cupboard door, but nothing happened.

"I've already tried that Potter, I'm not an imbecile"

"Of course you aren't, darling" he replied before lighting up the cupboard with a quick 'Lumos', they may as well have a nice chat right?

"Potter, you're blue!" shrieked Lily when she caught sigh of him in the dim wand-light.

* * *

><p>After dinner Rebecca made her way up to the second floor for her usual transfiguration tutoring session with the first years, very much oblivious to the fact that this particular Tuesday night, she was being watched.<p>

Sirius Black was watching her from underneath the invisibility cloak, and waiting.

Everything was going just as planned.

She was about to enter the classroom, when she heard the voices coming from a cupboard nearby, the very same cupboard wherein James and Lily were currently being held prisoner.

At first she thought that she had imagined it, passing it off as her super alert senses (she was not about to fall victim to anymore pranks). But when she heard them again, she pressed her ear to the door.

Meanwhile Sirius just hoped he had been right.

* * *

><p>"...I've tried <em>everything<em> but it just won't come off!, and I really need to talk to Becca tonight!"

"So you and _Becca_" said Lily, wincing at the obvious venom in her voice and hoping James wouldn't notice.

James however, did notice. "Not you too!" he groaned "What is with you people? She really is not that bad!"

"But...why her?" asked Lily, almost immediately regretting those words. What was _with _her today? It's this bloody broom cupboard! It's messing with my mind, she thought.

"Do I detect a bit of jealousy there Miss Evans?" asked James, teasingly.

"You wish, Potter"

James muttered something incoherent at that, which sounded something like "You do Toby"

"What?" asked Lily

James straightened up, looking away from her face and instead focusing on the dark wooden back of the cupboard.

"You don't have to be" he repeated, and when Lily was silent, waiting for an explanation, he continued "It wasn't working with Rebecca. It's always going to be you, whether it's my broomstick you burn or my bones you break. I guess you'll just have to get used to it" he attempted a faint smile. He had tried, he really had.

There was a long silence, where Lily just sat there, thinking of what to say. She was sitting in a broom cupboard with James Potter and having an almost civilized conversation this was definitely a first. She was saved answering however, by the sound of the door swinging open and a bewildered Remus staring at them from the doorway.

"I was just er- you're late for patrols Lily"

* * *

><p>"What's wrong Prongs? You don't look too mad, I mean I'm not complaining or anything, but I was expecting worse"<p>

"Well it could have been worse! I mean, I usually end up in the hospital wing, just for asking Evans if I can carry her bags to class, but all I got from the break up were a few tears and some lollies"

"So you're not mad?"

James sighed. "I was going to break up with her anyway"

"You were _what?_"

"I was going to talk to her, but then you spilt the slime all over me, and then I was locked in the cupboard with Evans, forgive me for being a little distracted."

"But... why?"

"You were right about her or, well us"

"Say that again"

"What?"

"That I was right" grinned Sirius, but received only a pillow to his face "So we're good?" he asked, once he had recovered.

"No, I still have a bone to pick with you"

"Whatever it was, I didn't do it"

"Oh, that's alright then... Lolly?"

"Thankee Messr Prongs" said Sirius, eagerly reaching out for a sweet. It was only after he had placed it into his mouth that he realised his mistake. He jumped up and desperately tried to find a window, but it was already too late.

When he turned around to yell at James all that came out was opera singing that would have made the fat lady proud.

"Rebecca gave me that when she broke up with me. Said it was from some secret admirer"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Goodbye Rebecca, you will be sorely missed (its hard to convey sarcasm on the internet)

So what did you think? :)


	7. The Broomstick

**A/N: **This is getting a bit repetitive but I don't care because you are amazing and I love you. Thank you for all your reviews and I know I've been rubbish at replying to you so I will get on there now.

**Disclaimer:** One day I will take over the world, but until then Hogwarts belongs to J.K. Rowling.

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><p><strong>6. Convince best mate to take the lady on a moonlit broom ride<strong>

* * *

><p>It was that time of year again.<p>

The day teachers had learned to dread, marking it out on their respective calendars with angry red and black circles. A day they spent with their eyes narrowed and watching a certain group of boys with utmost suspicion, even more so than usual.

It was the day the students had learnt to fear. They peered around corridors nervously before stepping into them in case of explosions or giant man-eating creatures. It meant a day where the attendance rate for Slytherin house was appalling with most preferring to stay in bed rather than brave the treacherous hallways.

Yes, it was Sirius Black's birthday again.

"I don't know Padfoot, after what happened to Scarlett, I think we should tone it down a little"

"But it's my birthday!"

"I know, but I want to win her heart not set her up for a visit to Pomfrey"

"But she's harmless!"

"Maybe after you fix it up a little"

Sirius stared at the large black motorbike sitting in the middle of their dorm. He had received it that morning as a gift from the other three Marauders and he had been so thrilled he had refused to let it out of his sight, skipping even dinner in favour of just sitting there, staring at it.

To him, she seemed like the most beautiful thing in the world, but to the observing, black haired, bespectacled boy beside him, she looked like a bunch of rusty steel that chugged. It was a wonder the thing even worked.

"If only she could fly" said Sirius, wistfully.

"Padfoot, that thing can barely stay together in one piece"

"I'm going to make her fly" he repeated, getting excited now and ignoring the insult to his precious baby. He had always wanted one of these huge growling beasts that whizzed by on the muggle roads, and the only thing that could make it any better (other than the fact that his mother would have a fit when she found out) was if it could whizz through the air. Just the thought of being able to fix her up to fly made him want to run to the library (or rather find Remus to do the necessary research).

"Padfoot, you're a genius!"

"I know, it would be incredible, right?"

"I can take Evans on a broom ride!" cried James, gleefully "It will be so romantic!"

"Wait, what?"

"And we can go at night, under the moon and stars!" continued James, ignoring his friend's obvious confusion "She'll love it! We can see the castle lights and maybe I can sing for her and..."

"Prongs, mate?"

"It will be perfect"

"How're you going to get Evans, alone with you, on a broom, at night?"

It was Sirius Black's birthday but this year he was offering relationship advice.

* * *

><p>"Lilabeth, darling"<p>

"My name is not-never mind" sighed Lily, knowing that correcting him would get her nowhere (so far today she had become Lilith, Lillabelle, Lilliana and even Evangeline) "What do you want, Potter?"

"Do you like bird watching?"

Lily narrowed her eyes suspiciously "Why?"

"I just thought you'd fancy meeting me at the Quidditch pitch tonight so that we could, you know, watch some birds together"

"No, Potter, for the seventh time today, I will not go to the Quidditch pitch with you tonight, not to bird watch, not for a picnic, not for a hike, not because the voices in your head, oh I'm sorry the _angels _told you that all the kittens in the world would die if I was not there and most definitely not because _aliens _told you that you would be abducted unless I am there to rescue you."

"But the aliens _specifically _said_-"_

_"_The aliens can take you Potter!"

* * *

><p>Lily Evans checked the time on the grand old clock in the entrance hall for the tenth time that minute.<p>

It wasn't like him to be late and she was getting worried. Sighing, she decided that she should probably start her rounds alone and hope that Remus was alright and would catch up soon.

It had been a relatively quiet day despite it being Sirius Black's birthday and this just added to Lily's caution.

No one could forget that time he had managed to let a hippogriff into the great hall during breakfast or even that time he had convinced the house elves to serve nothing but birthday cake for the whole day and then made them follow him around as he strolled through the castle in an elaborate ruby cape with a giant gold crown on his head.

She just hoped that Black had given up his immature antics as he was now another year older, however judging by Potter's actions this morning she highly doubted this and wished again that Remus was with her.

Lost in her thoughts of the mischief that Potter, Black, Pettigrew and now it struck her maybe even Remus himself were currently planning, Lily didn't notice where she was going. She opened and closed each broom cupboard automatically and checked the spots out-of-bed children were most likely hiding unconsciously.

Time really did drag when there was no one to accompany her. She was just dwelling on this thought when she noticed the first movement.

She almost missed it in the shadowy corridor and putting it down to the flickering torches carried on but when it happened a second time she stopped, staring at the spot she was sure had just moved.

Then, without warning a huge clanging sound of metal upon metal rose up from behind her. Startled, she spun around only to find that the suit of armour nearest to her that was once a tall, dark albeit stationery figure was now tall, dark and moving towards her making that horrible noise.

* * *

><p>Remus Lupin was for the first time in his life late for prefect duty. Of course it wasn't his fault that <em>someone <em>had tampered with his clock so that it was now an hour too slow. Luckily he had caught a glimpse of the _real _time in the common rooms and had raced down to the entrance hall almost falling headfirst into a group of third years sitting cross legged by the stairs (honestly there were _more _than enough chairs in their common rooms, why they insisted on sitting in his way was beyond him).

It was his being in a hurry that also made him miss the dark figure standing among the suits of armour until he had been grabbed and yanked into a nearby cupboard.

"Padfoot?" cried Remus when he had recovered from his kidnapping and had recognized his captor.

"Shhhh" said Sirius "I can't explain now...just trust me"

"But I have-"

"Honestly Moony, most people would kill to be in an enclosed space with me"

"Most people would kill themselves after being in an enclosed space with you"

"Okay, I walked right into that one, but this is serious business Moony. You can't go out there"

"Why not?"

"Because Evans is in danger"

* * *

><p>Letting out a startled cry, Lily began to back away, desperately reaching for the wand in her pocket. Unable to think of a suitable spell she tried hitting it with a stunning spell but it was no use because a quick look down the corridor showed that the rest of the suits of armour were also coming to life and seemed to be making a beeline towards her.<p>

She couldn't stun them all!

Hoping that this was all just some stupid prank by the marauders (and cursing them very much) Lily turned to face the first two.

Hopeless as it was, for she was very much outnumbered Lily was still proud to say that she managed to floor seven before the rest surrounded her.

I hate you Potter thought Lily as she surveyed the enemy, you and your bloody-broomstick?

"Don't worry Evans!" came a very familiar yell and a second later the owner himself came into view in all his arrogant sodding glory as he rode his new broomstick through the remaining suits.

As much as she wanted to punch him in the face right then, Lily quickly joined him on the broomstick as he flew her away from the now confused suits of armour and out of an open window.

"You _attacked _me with suits of armour?" shrieked Lily as they entered the cool night air.

"Innocent until proven guilty Lilykins, there was no proof"

"James Potter you are despicable"

"Well I try" said James, turning to give her what he thought was a winning smile while he ran a hand through his hair.

"Hold on to the broom!" cried Lily, suddenly remembering why she never played Quidditch as she tried to look anywhere but down.

"Hold on tight, Evans, it's a long way down" said James, seeming to sense her unease and as usual, taking it upon himself to make it worse.

"You are a dead man, Potter" snarled Lily, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

James winced at the visor grip. "Honestly Evans, it's like you haven't been on a broom in your life"

"Potter, you let me down this instant!" she snapped, noticing that they seemed to be taking a suspiciously long time to land.

"Hey Evans, want to go upside down?"

"Potter, don't you _dare_" she growled

"On the count of three"

"Potter, do you _want_ to keep your limbs?"

"One"

"You will wish you had actually jumped off that tower"

"Two"

"I swear to god I will hex you back to your home planet" she warned, but then dropping all pretences of courage "Potter, don't do this" she pleaded but her words were lost in the wind as James yelled out the final number and proceeded to do a series of loops.

Once James had righted the broom, he turned around to face Lily who had her eyes shut tight and had done nothing but tightened her grip on him as she felt her stomach do somersaults.

"Aw Evans, don't close your eyes, you'll miss the grand finale!"

Slowly, Lily opened her eyes. She was breathing heavily as she braved a look down.

"I'm alive" she whispered, more to herself than anything. She looked up then, at the stars and the moon. She would never admit it, unless maybe posed with Veritaserum, but the setting was beautiful and those loops had actually not been so bad. Thrilling, even. It was the perfect release from her orderly routine.

However, meeting James' eyes and his smug, knowing smile brought her right back to where she _really _was. Stuck, 50 feet above the ground on a piece of wood that might as well have been a twig with none other than _Potter _steering it.

"Potter-" she started, furious once more, but again she was interrupted, this time by a loud bang.

This was followed by another, and then another, until the night was alive with the sounds of over a dozen of Zonko's best fireworks going off in a sequence.

Looking up, Lily saw that these were made specifically to spell out letters, first an enormous golden 'G' followed by a shining red 'O'. One by one the letters started appearing until the whole message read 'Go out with me, Evans' surrounded by the twinkling stars, the shining letters standing out brightly against the dark night sky.

"Aw, how sweet, you arranged a romantic broom ride under the moon and stars and even used fireworks to ask me out" gushed Lily, very uncharacteristically.

"Lily darling, you have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that!" said James, extremely surprised at Lily's enthusiasm. Was it _really _this simple? Why hadn't he done this before? James was too busy revelling in his apparent victory that he didn't notice Lily's sarcasm.

This was just the calm before the storm.

* * *

><p>"Two nights, I've been in here for <em>two nights<em>!"

"Don't worry, you haven't missed too much, Stebbins got himself an exploding pumpkin after he ran into Moony in the corridor, ungrateful sod made me apologize later though"

"I was an accident Padfoot, you're just over reacting"

"But Moony! You could've died!"

"Oh yes, by the deadly late-birthday-celebration spikes on the walls of the third floor corridor that _you _put there!"

"I was going to take them off"

"Guys?" interrupted James

"_After _I had been skewered, how thoughtful"

"GUYS!" he yelled louder

"What do you want, Prongs?"

"I'm the one sitting the hospital wing with 10 broken bones and possible concussion, not to mention a scar the size of a broomstick on my side"

"Well it's not like you didn't deserve it"

"Moony! How could you?" gasped Sirius, hiding his chuckle "Can't you see, Prongs is very much hurt"

"Body and soul" said James, nodding solemnly

"Well you should have known that Lily hates flying"

"_Now _you tell us!"

"Well if you'd just asked me before!"

"Since when were _you _an expert on my Lilykins?" asked James, suspiciously.

Just then Peter (who had been given the unappealing task of following Lily around all day to make sure she didn't have any unnecessary contact with the males of Hogwarts read: possible suitors as James himself was unable to do so) came bursting in.

"She's coming this way!" he squeaked, bright red from running.

"Quick, Prongs! Act like you're dead!" cried Sirius as he put on his best crying face..

"Maybe we should-"

"Shush Moony, now is not the time for your wisdom"

"James, James don't leave us! Prongs mate, you have to wake up! So many people left to prank, so many detentions we haven't served yet! You can't do this to me! JAMES!" cried Sirius, wiping away fake tears the second Lily walked in. He nudged the other two to do the same but Peter was too busy recovering from the run and Remus had actually turned around, unable to keep a straight face.

"Grow up Black, or I might actually put you on your death bed" said Lily, glaring.

"Was that a death threat, Miss Evans?" asked Sirius, dropping his crying act "Poppy! Evans said she's going to kill me!"

Lily stormed off in the direction of Madam Pomfrey, still glaring.

Sirius followed her receding figure with his eyes "Hey Prongs, I think I know who's going to wear the trousers in your relationship"

"Shut up Padfoot" said James, tentatively cracking an eye open to make sure the coast was clear. "She's so beautiful when she's angry, isn't she?"

Sirius made a gagging action which was met with a swipe at his head.

"Maybe you should take her for a ride on my motorbike after all..."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **What do you think? Please read and review, I love hearing from you :)


	8. The Kidnapping

**A/N: **Happy Friday everyone! (If it is still Friday where you live) Here is Chapter 7, so tell me what you think!

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><p><strong>7. Kidnap the girl and arrange to have your best mate save her<strong>

* * *

><p>"Get Lily a pet unicorn so that we can ride off into the sunset together?" read James "Padfoot, where are we going to find a unicorn?"<p>

"I hear there are lots in the Forbidden Forest" said Sirius enthusiastically "We can name it Bambi and he could-"

"_I _hear there are man-eating frogs in the Forbidden Forest which is why it is _forbidden_" replied James, not too keen on being eaten by a frog before Lily had accepted even one date.

"Really? We can go look for them tomorrow night then"

"The unicorns or the frogs?"

Sirius pretended to think for a second. "Both"

"How about this one?" asked James, reading aloud again "Sing to the girl at breakfast while standing on a table dressed in a hula skirt- I don't know what a hula skirt is but it sounds promising"

"Nah, you did that last week" said Sirius "besides, the breakfast things never seem to get you anywhere but the hospital wing. Remember that time you danced naked on the breakfast table and tried to make Evans join you?"

"Ah yes" sighed James remembering vividly the incident mentioned "I was in there for almost a week, but it was worth it for the look on Evans' face"

"Like a tomato"

"As gorgeous as her hair"

Sirius stared at the lovesick expression on his friend's face, absolutely disgusted. "Prongs, promise me that when you and Evans get married you will get a room" he said before jabbing at another one further down on the list "Kidnap the girl and organise for your best mate to rescue her. That should be fun."

"I don't know, it sounds difficult"

"Difficult never stopped you before"

* * *

><p>"How do I look?"<p>

"Absolutely hideous"

"Good, this should frighten Evans more than your face usually does" grinned Sirius as he gave his reflection one last look.

He had made his face as twisted and grotesque as was possible till his features were beyond recognition. He also greyed his hair and added some wrinkles for good measure, the last thing he needed was for Evans to recognise him. Of course, how anyone could mistake the ugly creature standing before him for the devilishly handsome Sirius Black was beyond him.

"Very funny" replied James as he tossed Sirius the invisibility cloak "You may want to put this on"

"This is going to be so much fun!" laughed Sirius as he draped the cloak around himself "I can torture Evans and she will never know it was me"

"You are an evil man, Sirius Black"

"Oh come on Prongs, you're just jealous that I get to be alone with a tied up and blindfolded Evans"

"Padfoot, that's just-" he shook his head "Besides you won't be alone, I'll be in the shack too, remember"

"Spoil sport" sulked Sirius

Both boys were currently making their way down to the grounds where Lily was waiting for her friends so they could leave for the last Hogsmeade weekend of the year together.

They paused however when they rounded a particularly deserted corner to find none other than Severus Snape and Regulus Black poring over a thick, old book that looked like it hadn't been read in years.

James felt Sirius stiffen under the invisibility cloak somewhere beside him, and instinctively put a hand out to stop him.

"Mudbloods" Snape was saying to Regulus as he pointed to something that was obviously hidden behind the book "He wants us to get rid of them"

Regulus looked a little frightened at the mention of this 'He' as well as the possible task ahead. Standing there beside Snape he looked nothing like the cold and mysterious boy he liked to make everyone believe he was. Instead, he looked much more like the little brother Sirius had grown up with.

"How do we-how do we do it?" he stammered nervously "Dumbledore would find out"

"No, not if we-" started Snape but stopped abruptly when he looked up to find that they weren't alone "Potter" he said coldly.

"Snivellus" nodded James knowing that now was definitely not the time to hex, despite his strong urge to turn that greasy head green he needed to get Sirius out of there before he did something _really _stupid. With a nice parting sneer aimed at the boy (and promising himself he would make up for it later), he dragged the still invisible Sirius away with him, not even bothering to hide his tight grip on the invisible arm.

When they had put a reasonable distance between themselves and the Slytherins, Sirius yanked the cloak of himself.

"What the hell was that for?" he yelled "That git was- Reg would never- I could've-"

"You could've what, Sirius?"

"Hexed his bloody head off!"

"And your brother?"

"It's _his _fault! Reg would never... I _know _him James!"

James gulped. He really was no good at talking about this kind of thing and he was pretty sure that whatever he said would probably make it worse. Calming Padfoot down was Remus' forte.

He was luckily saved by the sudden appearance of one unsuspecting and oblivious Lily Evans.

"Padfoot, she's here!" hissed James, yanking the invisibility cloak off Sirius and jumping as he had forgotten about his friend's new appearance "Break a leg!" he whispered, before disappearing.

* * *

><p>"Not another Morgana" groaned Peter, stuffing the card into his pocket "Frog?" he asked, offering Remus the handful he still had left.<p>

Remus declined this offer, preferring to eat his own far from small block of chocolate instead. One of the few things that both Marauders agreed on was that chocolate was the elixir of life and was to be consumed as many times a day as possible.

"Well we've been just about everywhere" said Remus, looking around the main street in Hogsmeade "Are you sure they didn't get detention for that bat thing?"

"No, apparently they made it look like Mulciber did it, so McGonagall let them off" said Peter, unwrapping another frog which may or may not have been his tenth that day. "Maybe they're at Zonko's?"

"No, we've already checked there and I don't have any money left after this lot" said Remus, besides being a prefect he really did not have any business at that particular shop "Maybe they went for a walk"

The two headed off to the woods on a path they frequently used to hide their loot (consisting of a large stash of alcohol and many pranking items Filch had long banned) in the hopes that they might run into the other marauders.

As they approached the shrieking shack on the outskirts of the village Remus began to pick up the pace, wanting to put as much distance between himself and that building as possible.

They were almost past the eerily dark house when they heard it.

A scream sounding very much female pierced the air before it stopped abruptly.

"What was that?" asked Peter, the fear clear in his voice.

"We better go take a look" The two doubled back towards the run down old building he dreaded so much.

* * *

><p>"Let me go you sick perver-"<p>

"Now, now dearie" said Sirius in his best old man but creepy and disapproving voice "You're all alone in this deserted house with no hope of rescue. You might as well play along"

"Go to hell" spat the red head in reply.

From across the room, Sirius could see James making a hand slicing open throat gesture which might have meant 'kill her' or (most likely) to tone it down a bit.

He was shocked to find that he was enjoying this a lot more than was expected or normal, especially after what happened before with his brother and that-

"_Rictumsempra!_" he cried and Lily immediately burst into a fit of giggles.

"St-oh-p" she managed to gasp between the fits and would have been rolling on the floor had she not been tied to the chair.

Sirius was just considering relenting when he was thrown back into the wall, his wand clattering out of his hand and onto the wooden floor. That was the last thing he remembered before the black engulfed him.

"Lily?" asked Remus surprised to see that it was his classmate who had been tied to the chair "Lily, Hang on!"

"Remus!" coughed Lily, trying to get up but almost falling because she was still tied to the chair "He-"

"It's okay" he untied her and helped her gently to her feet.

"What happened?" asked Peter, nervously inspecting the body of her captor which was slumped against the wall and then the rest of the room in turn. He stopped abruptly however when his eyes found a certain black haired boy who was hastily trying to find his cloak.

"James?"

"Wormtail!"

"Prongs?"

"Moony!"

"Potter?"

"Er-"

"POTTER!" yelled Lily again, looking every bit as furious as she felt. She had finally recovered from the shock of being kidnapped and then rescued but now it turned out that she hadn't _actually _been kidnapped in the first place!

"Lily dear, I can explain" said James, running a hand through his _bloody_ hair.

"And I suppose that thing" she positively screeched, completely ignoring his attempts to sate her as she pointed a finger accusingly "Is Black?"

Three pairs of eyes followed her hand to the disfigured lump in the corner which was just groaning and rubbing a hand to its head.

"James Potter you are incorrigible. You are a disgusting toad and I hate you"

"Lily I-"

But Lily just shook her head; unable to speak she just raised her wand and James instinctively closed his eyes and waited for the pain to hit. Maybe it would just be a few broken bones this time he thought. He was very much surprised however when he felt absolutely nothing.

Relieved but still wary, he opened his eyes to find that Lily had already stormed off apparently thinking her job done and he was left with only his fellow Marauders.

By this time, Sirius had managed to work his way into a sitting position and was staring at the other three in confusion.

"W-What happened?" he groaned as talking hurt his head.

"_You _just kidnapped and tortured an innocent girl so that this prat here could _save_ her"

"And then Moony hexed you" finished Peter, helpfully.

"Moony!"

But Remus just ignored him in favour of lecturing the more physically capable of answering, James.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"He made me do it"

"Prongs!" cried Sirius clutching his chest "The betrayal! It hurts... right here!"

"Oh and how well has taking relationship advice from Padfoot worked out in the past?"

"Hey, I heard that!"

"And you're next"

"I have chocolate"

"Nice try"

"Oh come on! You have to admit that was pretty entertaining"

"And kinky"

"Padfoot!" cried three voices in unison.

"I'm not even sorry...just fix my face"

"Hang on" said Remus muttering a quick repairing spell "What did you _use _on it? It won't change back"

"Here let me try"

Peter reached for his own wand, only to find that he couldn't reverse the damage either.

"I don't know Padfoot, it's stuck like that"

"But my face!"

"Evans!" cried James "She did something to your face!" He paused, considering this new development.

"Evans doesn't hate me!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hope you liked, and don't forget to let me know what you think!

Next chapter includes naked James and a lot more Peter :)


	9. The Guitar

**A/N:** Sorry for taking so long to update, I've just had a crazy week, but I made something for you in Physics the other day. I don't think I can post links on here but I will put it up on my profile page.

Plus, it's Friday!

* * *

><p><strong>9. Sneak into her dormitory and sing her a love song. Preferably with no clothes on.<strong>

* * *

><p>"Pete!" cried Sirius desperately shaking his friend, "Wormtail, can you hear me?"<p>

"Padfoot, how many times do I have to tell you that naming inanimate objects and then talking to them is an unhealthy obsession. It needs to stop"

"Moony! Thank God!" said Sirius, briefly looking away from the guitar on his bed "You have to help me!"

"What did you do this time?"

"It's Pete!" he jabbed at the guitar "I didn't do it, I swear! But he's a guitar!"

"You turned Wormtail into a guitar?"

"The book said it was advanced magic!"

"So?"

"So, Pete said I couldn't do _advanced magic_"

"So you turned him into a guitar?"

"No I just, I couldn't just _take _that Moony! He was bullying me and I just wanted to prove him wrong and- and stop gawking and fix him!"

* * *

><p>"Do you think he's hungry?"<p>

"I don't know, he doesn't do much, he sort of just sits there"

"Maybe we should put some food in the hole, I mean Pete's never skipped a meal before in his life, he'll probably be starving by now"

"What do you have?"

"Some pumpkin pastries"

"That should do" said Sirius, reaching for the aforementioned food and putting it into the guitar's sound hole. He then stood back to observe the instrument which just sat there staring back at him. "Well at least he made a very handsome instrument"

"Yeah, we can put that on his gravestone 'He played handsomely even after death'"

"What are we going to do Prongs?"

"Moony said he found the book, didn't he?" asked James "I'm sure he'll be able to fix it"

"Pete, if you can hear me" Sirius shouted into the hole they had just put the food in "I-am-sorry"

"Er- Padfoot? If he could hear you before he'll probably be deaf now"

But Sirius wasn't listening because he now had an idea, the brilliant kind. And when James saw that slow smile spread across his face, he was neither worried nor afraid. He was excited.

"The list, Prongs!" cried Sirius almost jumping up to retrieve the parchment and answering James' confused face with a "We needed a guitar for number 8!"

"Of course!" said James, grabbing the parchment from Sirius and reading it aloud "We should start now!"

"Do you even know how to play?"

"Can't be too hard" muttered James, grabbing the guitar and strumming it loudly, now he just needed a song. He flipped the list over and started scribbling frantically at the back while Sirius craned to see. When he was finished he looked up and triumphantly handed the parchment back to Sirius before repositioning the guitar and singing:

_"My dear Lily,_

_You are so silly,_

_Why can't you see?_

_That all you want is me._

_When I jumped off the tower,_

_It was all for you, my flower,_

_Because I love you,_

_And I know that you love me too._

_I don't mind,_

_When you are unkind,_

_Because I know with every hex,_

_All you want is se-"_

"Er Prongs? What are you doing to Pete?" asked a very confused Remus looking very much like one who had walked in on his best friend confessing his love to his other best mate whilst _playing_ another best mate "And why are you singing to Padfoot?"

"Moony!" cried James almost dropping Peter in his surprise "I was just practising my song for Evans on Padfoot"

"Oh my, Jamesykins my darling, that was just beautiful" gushed Sirius in a ridiculously high voice that sounded nothing like the girl he was imitating "It's true, I love you too!" He launched himself at James who wasn't able to move in time and ended up with both Sirius and the guitar-that-was-Pete on top of him.

"Padfoot!" he managed to choke out.

"I can't help it; you're so sexy I just want to-"

"Okay, I'm sorry to interrupt but Wormtail, if you can hear me, don't worry" said Remus "I'll hopefully be able to fix you by tonight"

"Aw Moony, there's no need to be jealous. I love you too, and there's plenty to go around"

"As much as I would _love_ to accept your kind offer, I need to work on undoing the spell _you _used to turn Pete into a guitar!"

Remus quickly walked out before he could be dragged into the pile of limbs and strings on the floor.

Why did he know these people? He thought to himself as had every day since he had met the three boys he now called his friends. And the answer was always simple, he smiled to himself.

* * *

><p>Lily was suspicious. It was not in her nature to be so; however a quick encounter with Sirius Black had left her feeling extremely paranoid.<p>

"Evans!" he had cried as he draped a hand around her shoulder "Been up to your dorm yet?"

"Black, get your hands off me" she had yelled "I swear if you did _anything _to my room"

"It's not me you should be looking out for" he smiled and winked in what to most must have been charming but to Lily, who knew better meant an impending storm.

And so she found herself on the staircase, dread increasing with every step up to the girls' dormitory.

What had the git planned for her this time? And, how had he even managed to get up there anyway?

The first thing she noticed when she had successfully ascended the stairs (which took a surprisingly long time when one stopped to check out each and every dark corner) was that the dormitory looked more or less untouched.

There was the occasional bit of scattered clothing from her other roommates that always seemed to end up discarded on the floor despite her best efforts to clean up.

Maybe Black was just trying to make me nervous thought Lily. She made her way to her own four-poster, intending to grab the book she needed and make her way back down to the library (she really didn't want to hang around here in case of a Potter invasion).

When she opened the curtains however, she jumped back letting out a cry of surprise and almost tripping over her neatly arranged trunk. As soon as she had regained her footing she quickly turned around, managing to trip over yet again. The last thing she wanted to see was James Potter in the state he was in at that particular moment in time.

"Evans!" cried James, apparently just as surprised to see her "You weren't meant to come up here till later"

"I-I had to get a book" stammered Lily, unable to get anything else out and cursing the tell tale blush she could feel burning up her cheeks.

"Well I suppose I can just-"

"Potter!" yelled Lily, suddenly getting a hold on herself "What the hell are you- Where are your _clothes_?"

"Oh right, sorry" mumbled James as he quickly repositioned the guitar to hide his better kept in private bits "Nothing you haven't seen before right? See, no harm done"

"No harm?" shrieked Lily, turning around (and _not _looking away from his face) "I will show you harm! You can't just burst into the girls' dormitories _without clothes on _and just sit in my bed with that-_why are you holding a guitar?_"

She mentally scolded herself for asking the wrong questions but she was just a little curious.

"Oh right, I'm sorry Lily dearest I just got so lost in your eyes and-" he saw Lily's scowl and decided that he should probably get on with the song before she hexed him out.

He pulled the guitar into position and after taking a deep breath launched into the first, well practised verse:

_"Oh Lily,_

_You are so silly,_

_Why can't you see?_

_That all you want is me"_

"Potter, what are you doing?" demanded Lily, but he just ignored her.

You only live once right? And he had a feeling his one life would be a short one if he continued to pursue Lily Evans.

_"With my gorgeous dark hair,_

_You know that none can compare,_

_My sexiness makes you lovesick_

_Besides, I have a really big di-"_

"Potter!"

"Evans, darling I love you!" he cried as he reached over to grab the rose from her pillow at the same time revealing bits of his anatomy Lily _really _didn't need to see.

It was a beautiful red rose (he had finally realised that giving Lily lilies was getting him nowhere in terms of originality) and he held it out for her expectantly.

Lily stared at it for a few seconds, frantically trying to clear her mind of all she had seen in the past few minutes.

"Potter" she said coldly "Get out"

Maybe if she didn't hex him they could both put this behind them and move on. She just hoped he would accept this and not push her.

"Oh come on Evans, just take the rose" said James in that arrogant tone she hated so much, but she could control herself. He had, after all said worse. "You know, most girls would give anything to have me naked in their bed!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, it could have been worse" said Peter who had just polished off the last of Remus' hospital chocolate supply even after fourth helpings of dinner ("It's not my fault! I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, remember").<p>

"How could it be any worse?" asked James, feeling one of his satin soft petals that were now starting to dry up "I'm wilting!"

"Yeah Pete, how could it be any worse?" sniggered Sirius as he watched James try to turn the huge rose head. He looked so ridiculous almost rolling down the stairs with the weight of his enlarged head, leaving a trail of rose petals behind him. He had to hand it to her; Lily really did have a knack with flowers...and original hexes.

"Oh I don't know, you could have been the one who was used to cover Prongs' private bits while he _played _you and sang horrible love songs to Evans" he said "And you could have been the one who was used to block the spells Lily used in retaliation"

"Yeah, sorry about that mate"

"No problem" replied Peter, still munching "It kind of tickled actually, right here" he said, pointing to his stomach.

James scrunched up his face "I really don't need to know the details"

"But did Evans like the song?"

"What part of she turned me into a rose do you not understand?"

"Pity,_ I_ really liked that song... Oh Lily, you are so silly... What? it's catchy!"

"No, no" said Remus "The best part was 'Because with every hex, I know that all you want is sex'"

"My sexiness makes you lovesick, besides I have a big di-"

"Some mates you are!" huffed James "My song wasn't _that _bad!"

"And I bet her reaction was 'Oh Jamesy, you're sexiness it turns me on so much and makes me so love sick I cannot even-'"

And once again, another Marauder pillow fight was initiated.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **and that was Chapter 8! As usual, feedback/even just a hi is welcome :) Don't forget to check out the link on my profile page.


	10. The Slytherin

**A/N: **Okay, first of all I need to apologize to all you wonderful people, I'm sorry it took so long! Thank you for your lovely reviews and for being patient with me. Secondly, I'm afraid this chapter will probably not be up to your expectations. I tried redoing it 5ish times but it just didn't work. However, being the second-to-last chapter in this fic, the show must go on!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Potter-verse or the marauders (I'm still working on world domination but the plan has hit a few iceberg-that-sank-the-Titanic size problems) ALSO if the bold writing and conversation seems familiar that is because I do not ow that either! J.K Rowling wrote those bits in The Order of the Phoenix - Chapter 28.

* * *

><p>9. Hex the lady's evil, slimy, big-nosed best friend until she agrees to go out with you.<p>

* * *

><p>"We have an exam tomorrow and you want to make a trip down to the kitchens?" asked Remus, giving the other three boys the disapproving look he saved especially for times like this.<p>

"It's only the Defence exam; you could probably do it with your eyes closed"

"But then wouldn't be able to see the questions!"

"True. But he's a dark and dangerous creature so you never know" said Sirius in a mock whisper.

James pretended to narrow his eyes at Remus suspiciously "Watch out mate, I think he heard us"

"Just bring me back some of that cake" sighed Remus as he got back to the pile of books sitting on his bed. He seemed to be the only one actually nervous about the impending exam. Sirius and James kept saying they knew all they needed for the exam (they probably did, what with their super secret study sessions that he was never privy to) and Peter had long since given up, convinced that he was going to fail, he had taken instead to following the other boys around.

This had left only Remus, studying alone in their dorm night after night as the others planned their various end-of-year pranks. He slammed the book shut with a snort, the crazed yellow eyes of the werewolf making him uneasy as he thought about the approaching moon. Collecting the rest of the books he slid them into his bag and made for the library, maybe Lily would keep him company, she had invited him to join her before dinner after all.

When he reached the library however he was disappointed to find that most of the other fifth years had, like Peter given up studying and had taken to their common rooms instead. He did notice a certain red head however in the far corner with her Defence Against the Dark Arts books spread in a neat circle around her.

"Lily!"

"Oh, hi Remus" she smiled making room for him.

It wasn't until Remus was closer and had a clear view of the table that he caught sight of the Slytherin, also sitting with her.

"Lupin" said Snape, nodding.

Strange, thought Remus, he wasn't aware that the two were talking again. The last he had heard they had had a huge argument. Lily was distraught and had confided that it was about some Slytherin friends of his and a Death Eater. Whatever it was, it sounded like bad news.

He covered his frown however with a quick "Snape" before taking a seat.

* * *

><p>She loved the lake. The way the restless water glittered in the sun and the tiny wooden boats that you could just make out, bobbed on the far shore. Most of all she loved to just lie down by the grassy bank and look up at the clouds.<p>

Not today however. The Defence exam had been surprisingly easy but there was still Transfiguration that afternoon. If she didn't at least pass with an Outstanding she would have to face stupid Potter and his stupid, stupid, smirking face. He'd probably never studied for an exam in his life, not even the OWLS, yet he still managed to beat her in Transfiguration! I guess being the heir of a family like the _Potters_ means you can get off being an arrogant prick, she thought as she angrily paged through her book.

She'd seen him during the exam as much as she'd hate to admit it. He was leaning back on his chair, yawning as he ran a hand through that mop he carried around on his head. He was in the middle of an exam that could potentially define his life yet he still looked completely at home, bored even!

Transfiguration! She scolded herself as she got back to the book.

To her irritation, she was interrupted yet again by a shout which was followed by laughter. Looking around, she spotted a small crowd that had formed further up, under the shade of an old willow. She was going to ignore them when a familiar cackle rang above the rest.

Sighing, Lily grabbed the book and shoved it back into her bag, confident that she had learnt absolutely nothing when she should have been absorbing the whole thing.

She stormed up nevertheless, dreading what she would find. The last time James Potter had cackled like that, a painting of an old Slytherin wizard supposedly one of Black's great, great, great, great grandfathers had been recovered days later, bald and dressed in a pink tutu (with a lush pink beard to match). The old man, once one of the proudest and meanest of the great portraits that decorated the staircase up to the third floor had been too frightened to leave the corner of his golden frame and would tell no one what they had done to him.

She was just in time to spot Severus kneeling on the grass in front of Black who was grinning manically while Potter had his wand outstretched. Pink bubbles were streaming out of Snape's mouth as he fought against the spell, his wand lying only a few metres away.

"**Leave him ALONE!"** yelled Lily, shocked by the atrocity and the fact that the rest of them were just _standing _there. What was wrong with this school?

"**Alright Evans?"** asked Potter, turning with a goofy smile on his face. She fought the urge to punch out every single one of those pearly white teeth as his free hand jumped to his hair.

"**Leave him alone**" she repeated, fighting even harder to keep calm **"What's he done to you?"**

"**Well," said James, appearing to deliberate the point, "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean ..."**

The arrogance, the sheer arrogance! Her eyes whipped around to those of the crowd who had decided to laugh at this which included Black and Pettigrew, until she found Remus, sitting nearby, deeply engrossed in his book and apparently ignoring the evil gits he called friends.

Shaking her head in fury, she rounded on the dark haired boy who was exchanged looks of glee with his other two friends.

**"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone"**

**"I will if you go out with me, Evans,"**said James automatically, like he was expecting it. Like he had planned it! He probably had, stupid sodding git,**"Go on ... go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."**

**"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,"**

**"Bad luck, Prongs,"**said Sirius, ever his annoying suck-up self but as he turned back to Severus he let out a yell._**"OI!"**_**  
><strong>  
>Snape had managed to sneak back to his wand while the others had been otherwise occupied and he was now directing it straight at James.<p>

He muttered something inaudible and with a flash of light a large gash appeared on the side of James' face, spattering his robes with blood.

James spun around, his face a blur as he sent his own curse at the Slytherin. **A second flash of light left Severus hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.****"Let him down!"**cried Lily, furiously. Severus's face was hidden but she knew how he would take this.**  
><strong>  
><strong>"Certainly,"<strong>said James_, _all hints of humour gone from his voice as he jerked his wand upwards; Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, his face paler than usual.

"**Petrificus Totalu****s!"**muttered Sirius as he stared strangely at James and then Lily. He looked like he was going to say something else, but he kept his mouth shut. Sev had keeled over again, rigid as a board and she could no longer take it.

_**"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"**_she yelled, finally pulling out her own wand which James eyed warily (he had had a lot of experience with it in the past).

**"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,"**

**"Take the curse off him, then!"**James sighed as he turned to Snape and undid the curse._  
><em>

"**There you go,"** he said, as Snape struggled to his feet. **"You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus"**

**"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"**

**Lily blinked.**

"**Fine"**she said as close to cool as she could muster**"I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."**

**"Apologise to Evans!"**James roared at Snape. Of course the arrogant git took it upon himself to make things worse. It was all his fault!

**"I don't want you to make him apologise," **Lily shouted, rounding on him_**"**_**You're as bad as he is."**_  
><em>**  
><strong>**"What?"**yelped James, stepping back looking genuinely hurt for the first time in his life. She felt strangely satisfied, as horrible as that sounded- maybe he was human after all **"I'd NEVER call you a-you-know-what!"**  
><em><br>_**"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can-I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."**

* * *

><p><strong>"Evans!" <strong>James shouted after her.** "Hey, EVANS!"**But her receding figure just grew smaller and smaller and she never looked back.

Too far, muttered James, too far.

**"What is it with her?" **he asked, louder, trying to sound cool. He knew he had gone too far this time but Snape had called her a – the M word! He, James would _never _stoop so low! Surely she could see that!**  
><strong>  
><strong>"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate<strong>," said Sirius**, **trying to make a joke of it. It didn't work this time though.

Too far. Too bloody far.

"**Right,"**said James, not really listening, that stupid slimy git and his stupid slimy face** "right-"**

Well he had come this far, he might as well go all the way. She can't hate me anymore than she already does, right?

**There was another flash of light, and Snape was once again hanging upside-down in the air.****  
><strong>_**  
><strong>_**"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **It is over! Thoughts would be very much appreciated. Don't worry, the next chapter will be more like the others in that it will be a lot lighter and MUCH longer!


	11. The Idea

**A/N: **We made it guys! This is the final chapter and you guys are going to hate me so much for this... but more about that in the super long author's note at the bottom of the page. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I have summoned some spaceships from my home planet, they should be here soon and then we can take over the world (including Hogwarts) together, but until then Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling

* * *

><p>Chapter 10<p>

* * *

><p>"It needs to be big" said Sirius expanding his hands enthusiastically to show exactly how big it had to be "It has to be better than last year"<p>

"We've always wanted to make Dumbledore fly, maybe we can do Professor McGonagall as well" suggested Peter as he for the fourth time in the last five minutes opened their carriage door and peered outside.

"Yes, but this is the _opening prank_ Wormtail it has to be-"

"Big" finished Remus

"Exactly! And Pete if you open that door one more time I will shove you out so far you won't be able to extricate yourself from the food trolley"

"Sorry" squeaked Peter quickly sitting back down.

"Why don't you just fly in on your motorbike?"

"I was saving that for Minnie's birthday" frowned Sirius.

Being the greatest Hogwarts pranksters of all time was harder than most people would believe.

"Pity, well we could always just change the passwords to the common rooms and do something when everyone has to spend the night in the Great Hall"

"We tried that last year, remember?" sighed Sirius "Dumbledore changed them back within 5 minutes" He turned to his right, noticing that the dark haired boy next to him hadn't said a word since they had boarded the train "Hey lover boy, feel free to jump in at any time, yeah?" he prodded James who was sitting in the corner daydreaming as he stared out the window paying absolutely no attention to the extremely important planning session going on inside.

"Evans hates me" he said, simply.

"She's hated you since the time you turned her hair pink"

"I was aiming for Margery Macmillan! It's not my fault _she _got in the way" defended James "Besides her hair is perfect just the way it is, why would I want to turn it _pink_!" he paused, finally looking away from the window "We really screwed up last year; she won't even look at me!"

"Then make her look!"

James stared at him, confused.

"Think about it Prongs, we haven't played a prank since... I can't even remember when and that is far too long. What we- I mean what you need is a _really _good prank and she will fall right back into your arms"

Peter nodded enthusiastically.

Remus felt this was probably the time he was supposed to point out that taking relationship advice from Sirius Black had not exactly worked out so well in the past, but his futile attempts at doing so were quickly interrupted by the food trolley.

After buying half the food left on it the boys got back to their discussion, the food placed in the middle so they could each help themselves.

"So you think that if we do this prank..."

"She will realise why she loved you before and come straight back?" Sirius nodded knowingly "Yes"

"That would work if she actually did love you before-" started Remus

"Of course she loves Prongs!" cried Sirius as though it was the most obvious thing in the world "_Everyone_ loves Prongs!"

Peter nodded his approval.

"But-"

"Moony, you look stunning today"

"Positively radiant" James offered.

"It must be the hair; do you think it's the hair?"

"No it has to be the chocolate; it really brings out the brown in his eyes, like dairy milk with flecks of dark"

"Bloody amazing, his eyes"

* * *

><p>A new year meant a new start thought Lily, trying to convince herself that despite last year's horrible end (Losing your best friend -especially because he called you a mudblood and is probably running around this very second with his idiot friends hexing other innocent muggle-borns- doesn't happen every day, even in Hogwarts) this year would be much better.<p>

She caught sight of James Potter, staring at her from along the platform and all of a sudden it didn't seem so promising anymore.

If she had to face that git again for another year along with Severus ignoring her she was going to go crazy.

Gritting her teeth, she stowed her luggage and boarded the train, making straight for the first carriage where the prefect and heads meetings were usually held. No, there was no way that James Potter was going to bother her she thought determinedly. He was nothing if not the immature, bullying toerag he had always been.

She knew she was early but being sociable wasn't exactly very high on her list of priorities and the last thing she wanted was to discuss her summer which had been if possible worse than the end of the school year.

A good hour after sitting in the carriage reading by herself there was a knock on the door before it was slid open to reveal the other Gryffindor prefect. Probably escaping from the imbeciles he calls friends, she thought.

Remus stood at the doorway for a second, awkwardly eyeing the red head already seated, as though she may grow another head and maybe some monster teeth to swallow him whole.

"Well take a seat" said Lily when she got tired of watching him shift nervously from foot to foot.

"Are you sure?" he asked, maybe this was how James felt when he ran a hand through his hair, he was struggling to fight the urge himself "I mean, I could come back later, I just thought-"

"Don't be silly! I thought we agreed a long time ago that James Potter was not going to ruin our friendship"

Relieved, Remus took a seat beside her. "Thanks, I was worried that- I mean I know they-we went a bit too far but-" aware that he was rambling he decided to just sum it up "He feels really bad"

"Potter? I wasn't aware he could feel anything, what with him being such a spineless bastard"

"He's not that bad, I mean yes he does stupid things but so does everyone else I mean even Sn-" He stopped quickly knowing finishing that sentence could only lead to trouble.

"That is debatable, depending on your point of view" said Lily "and I really don't want to get into that with you... Let's just not talk about James Potter"

"Fair enough" nodded Remus, James Potter was one topic that they could both agree to disagree on "How were your holidays?"

"Horrible" said Lily brightly "Yours?"

"Alright I guess. Was it your sister?"

"Yup, and now she's got herself a boyfriend who believe it or not is worse than James, himself!"

Remus raised an eyebrow.

"I just said James, didn't I?"

Remus nodded slowly.

"I need some sleep. Or food. Or both"

* * *

><p>"OW! Pete! That was my foot!"<p>

"Sorry, it's just really hard to walk in here"

"Guys, be quiet! They can still hear us"

"Where are we?"

"Almost there, turn left he- Filch!"

"Shhh"

The three boys waited for Filch and his new kitten, Mrs Norris (a ridiculous name for a _kitten_) to pass by. Although Filch hurried past quickly enough, obviously in a rush to get to the waiting students and if he was lucky tell at least a dozen of them off before the sorting ceremony, the kitten seemed to linger on the spot, sniffing dangerously close to Remus' leg. Luckily, she decided there was nothing of interest there and trotted after Filch, allowing the boys to let out sighs of relief.

"That was close"

"Do you think he'd notice if we drown it?"

"Padfoot!"

"It's a monster, Moony just look at it!"

"It's a kitten!"

"Cats" sniffed Sirius in disgust "Foul animals they are. Especially the young ones, sure they pretend to be cute and cuddly but when you turn your back-"

They had by then, reached the painting of the fruit and Peter reached up to tickle the pear.

"-and all they do is eat, sleep, scratch and shed!"

"You shed"

"_I do not!_" cried Sirius indignantly.

"So how're we going to do this?" asked Peter interrupting before the argument escalated.

"Padfoot can distract them, they all just _love _him" said Remus "and I'll go pour it into the pumpkin juice"

"You should put it in the chocolate cake as well" added Sirius "For good measure"

Remus looked horrified. "Not the cake! The elves make the best cake for the feast!"

"We have to eat some as well and it won't affect the taste"

"Fine" he huffed, grabbing the cloak and storming off, the potion clutched firmly in his hands.

Sirius and Peter watched him leave before facing the house elves who were busily preparing the food and didn't even notice their presence till they had made their way up to one of the long tables they were hovering over.

"Master Sirius! Peter!" cried one of them, a tiny bat-eared thing with a highly squeaky voice "It is so nice to see you, have you had an enjoyable break?"

"Titch!" cried Sirius smiling genuinely, he was fond of the elf who had always been only too happy to give him extra food whenever he needed it "It was lovely thank you and how are you doing, darling?"

"We are ever so busy for the feast" she pointed around her, blushing slightly up at him "what can I do for you, today?"

"We just came to say hi to you wonderful elves" said Sirius beaming before adding "and to ask if there was a special something waiting for us in the bottle stand..."

"Of course!" cried the elf as she hurried over to a cupboard on her right and brought back enough Fire whisky for the Marauders' annual welcoming drinks.

For this particular occasion, rather than having a huge common room party like they did other times during the year, the four boys preferred to just stay up late, drinking and talking with the occasional game of drunk exploding snap (which usually ended in a half naked Sirius hanging upside down from his bed frame).

When he felt a slight tug on his laces he thanked Titch and leaving the door open for a few seconds stepped out of the kitchens.

"Did you do it?"

"Yes, they'll be dancing in no time" grinned Remus mischievously, a look that was rarely seen by anyone other than Sirius, James and Peter.

The plan they had finally agreed on was simple. They would spike the food so that everyone in the Great Hall would start floating in the air. The Slytherins of course would get extra special treatment and would be forced to do pirouettes as well as other ridiculous dance moves in mid air.

"Forks and knives are over rated anyway"

* * *

><p>He really should have been with them, thought James angrily. It wasn't his fault that he was bad at exploding snap! Besides, Wormtail cheated...<em> somehow<em>.

But the fact remained that he had lost and now found himself stuck in the entrance hall with the rest of the students, waiting to be let in for the sorting ceremony while his so called friends were sneaking down to the kitchens, probably having the time of their lives.

He didn't spot her straight away, because he was _not_ looking for her, but her flaming hair stood out in the crowd and he couldn't help himself. She was talking to a Ravenclaw from their year whose name he couldn't quite remember.

Lily Evans looked, if it was possible more beautiful than last year although in need of some sleep.

He knew he probably shouldn't approach her because he really had taken it too far and it wasn't a good idea, but James had never really been one for good ideas. Good ideas bored him and the thought of talking to her again after so long was far more inviting.

"Lily" he called once he had weaved through the crowd and it was at this moment that he realized he had no idea what he intended to say. Fighting the urge to run his hand through his hair he waited for her to respond.

She paused for a second, before turning around.

"Potter?" she asked suspiciously.

"It's James" he said.

"Okay, you've finally lost it" she replied turning back around to her friend.

"No, look Lily!" he started again, for he had come this far and wasn't about to back down now. "Can we-can we just start again? I mean it's a new year and I know I was an immature jerk last year but let me make it up to you. I-I'm James Potter" he held out this hand.

He had nothing to lose; he'd already lost her after all.

And besides he didn't deserve her, not when he was such an 'arrogant bullying toerag'. However that didn't mean he was going to give up on her either.

No, he was James Potter and he was not a quitter.

Lily turned around again, frowning as she studied him.

What was he playing at? Aside from Valerie there was no one else watching them, his friends had long since disappeared and the other students were too busy catching up with their own friends to care, so public humiliation was out of question.

Nothing looked out of place, no explosives as far as she could tell and his wand was tucked safely in his pocket.

That just left one other explanation and for some reason this was the one she feared the most.

James Potter was being mature.

And the world hadn't ended.

Yet.

Well two can play this game, Potter. No one can change that much over a couple of months. Let's see how long you last, thought Lily.

"My name is Lily Evans" she said out loud as she shook his hand, her lips twitching slightly.

"Nice to meet you, Lily... can I call you Lily?"

"Of course... James" she replied watching as he smiled.

James Potter smiled, _actually smiled_! No grin, no smirk, an actual polite smile.

"What house do you want to be in, Lily?" he teased, taking her back to a similar conversation that they had had on the train when they had first _really _met.

_Lily_. No Evans, no Lilykins, No Lily darling, just Lily.

"I don't know I'll get back to you on that" she replied, playing along.

"Fair enough" he paused, _smiling._

_What is he trying to do?_

"Okay, Potter you win, just tell me what's going to happen. Is it the food? Is the cake going to explode?"

"What do you mean?" his face was a picture of innocence but that wasn't going to fool her this time.

"You're acting... _normal _and it's really frustrating, you're meant to be a self absorbed jerk remember?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't get the memo"

She glared at him.

"Sorry-look, I just... I'm sorry about what happened last year"

"Which part?"

"The astronomy tower" she looked at him expectantly so he carried on, listing some of his worst offences and counting them off on his fingers "And the goblin, making you fly, sneaking into your dormitory, kidnapping you and-" he broke off as he remembered what was probably his worst crime "and the day by the lake"

Lily stared at him again barely managing to keep her face neutral.

"So?"

"So, I know I haven't been-I just want-can we start again? From the beginning, no more asking you out, no more goblins, no more appearing naked in your dorm..." he looked at her hopefully.

"What about Sev-Snape?"

"Lily, I can't"

Lily thought about this for a few seconds, considering her options. He seemed to be serious and the offer despite seeming too good to be true coming from _him _was actually very welcome. Finally she looked up into his eyes and nodded.

"So we're friends?"

"It's a trial run" she warned him, before turning as the doors were finally opened.

James smiled to himself as he followed the rush of students into the Great Hall.

A chance. That was all he had ever wanted.

But there was something else he had been meaning to tell Lily if he could just remember what it-

"Lily!" he called after her again "Just stay away from the pumpkin juice!"

* * *

><p>"You should have seen the look on Snivellus' face!" cried Sirius who was now attempting to recreate the pirouettes the Slytherins had been forced to repeatedly perform after the Marauders' latest prank. Of course being drunk did not help his co-ordination and about two in he ended up on the floor.<p>

After a game of never have I ever, in which it was revealed that in his short 16 years of life he had accomplished a great many things, Sirius had managed to down twice as much alcohol as the other three, combined.

This game was soon abandoned in favour of discussing the feast in which they had gone a step further than originally planned and ended up dressing the Slytherins in green tutus.

"We should have dressed the teachers up as well"

"McGonagall in a tutu, we all know that's what Padfoot wants to see"

"_Filch _in a tutu!" squeaked Peter looking so disgusted with the thought that the others couldn't help but laugh.

This was followed by a comfortable silence in which the four boys reflected back on their six years in the castle as well as imagining various teachers in tutus.

"Just kiss her, Prongsie!" said Sirius suddenly serious. He had been contemplating his friend's love life for a while now and had finally come to the conclusion that the best way for him to win the heart of the lovely Miss Evans was to jump her "Like this" he cried making a grab for Remus who just happened to be sitting next to him. Unfortunately he completely missed his target and ended up on the floor again.

"Padfoot are you having an affair with the floor?" asked Remus as he pretended to wipe away tears "How could you?"

"She made me!" cried Sirius as he tried to get up "With her womanly wiles, I just couldn't resist! I'm sorry, Moony but don't you worry. You will always be my one true love"

"The last time I checked, Padfoot, Filch wasn't a 'her' and that is a horrible idea!" said James feigning shock but ending up just shaking his head amusedly at his friends' antics.

"Not Filch, you nasty bloke although if that's your thing I can't judge" said Sirius as he finally managed to win his battle with gravity "I meant _Evans_!"

"I can't just kiss her" said James calmly "Besides, Lily and I are friends now"

Three pairs of eyes turned to stare at him in disbelief.

James couldn't help but feel a little insulted He hadn't told his friends what had happened before the feast yet, but they looked as though his making peace with Lily was about as likely as a pink Martian cow that spoke Spanish.

"I apologized for the thing with Snape last year and asked her if we could start again...as friends"

"But _that _wasn't on the list!" cried Sirius

"Forget about the list, well done Prongs"

"Yeah, way to go!"

"But the _list _Prongs! _The list_!" cried Sirius, horrified that his poor list which he had just pulled out of his discarded robes and was waving around frantically was being insulted by common sense.

James sighed. "Look, Padfoot if it makes you feel any better I'll add a new idea to the list"

Sirius narrowed his eyes "What new idea?"

James beckoned for him to hand over the torn, battle worn piece of parchment and proceeded to dig out a quill and some ink from his trunk.

At the bottom of the page he neatly inscribed one last line which contrasted greatly to the smudged scribbles of before. When he was satisfied he looked up and grinned at his friends as they crowded around him, trying to get a glimpse of what he had just written.

* * *

><p>10. Do not interfere with your best mate's love life<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **First and foremost, thank you all so much for sticking with this! I could not have done it without you and your overall amazingness! **mockingjay1199, viking-bride, turtleguy1997, icanhazjoy, nightshade326, SAM2488, countrymusicfanatic, ghostofyourlastlaugh, Blue luver5000, SiriuslyGeorgia, StargazerBabells, JinxWing, Spellshadow98, . , Katerina Riley, Clawstone, SirWalsingham, Those beautiful Clouds, Haruhi-chan131 and iheartweasleytwins! **Every single one of you as well as the anonymous reviewers, those who put this under their favourites and those who put it under alerts and just everyone who read it at all, thank you so much! You basically motivated me to pull through.

I started this fic with the intention of James and Lily getting together but when I got to about the end of chapter 8 or 9 I realized that there was no way that that could happen just yet. Becoming friends... its a start! But they just weren't ready to get together and James is still walking on eggshells. SO I am currently thinking/planning/coming up with ideas for a sequel that is looking very sketchy at the moment so don't expect it right away but it is looking positive at the moment. Again, I am really sorry! I know you all wanted to see them together but it just didn't seem _right_! If you have any ideas/suggestions for a sequel I would love to hear from you!

Finally, as I have probably already mentioned I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH YOU HAVE BEEN THE BEST! If it wasn't so creepy I would literally just jump out of the computer screen and hug you all right now! Thank you so much for helping me through this fic, it is the first one I have ever actually finished and the longest at that. So, Thank you!


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